Agent Provodkateur

My name is Vladimir Putin and I claim

Ukraine!

***

See also: Putin's Putative Putsch

New World Ballsup

I'm sorry, sir. This is Bilderberg.

No Flatliners allowed.

***

Sub Ed

It's OK. I'm not reading it. Just looking

at the pictures.

***

Yellowing Sheets

You've made your bed, Mr Clegg, now

you have to lie on it.

***

Ex Leader Of The Opposition In Waiting

Stodgy, difficult to swallow and, basically, toast.

I'm talking about the bacon sandwich, of course.

***

All Our Futures...

I do this so that all women will have the right to

vote for UKIP!

***

Spot The Difference...

"You know what the difference is."

N. Farage                       .

***

Three Wheels On My Wagon

ED:  And this is my serious face.

AXELROD:  Yup. We're gonna have to lose that.

***

Punching Below His Weight

Reports that Douglas and I had to be pulled

apart are wide of the mark.

I battered the wee bastard.

***

Another Pfizer Cock-up

Roll up! Roll up!

Who else wants to put the boot into me

for being a rape apologist?

***

Another Serious Point From Wee Dougie

Ed, I know there's no VAT on food but

nobody will notice.

***

#Black&Whiteischeaper

And The Oscar For Political Naïvity Goes To...

What I look for in a Socilaist Political Broadcast:

1.  Does it promote Class War?  Check.

2.  Does it represent Grown Up Politics?  Check.

3.  Is it Geeky, Weird, Cringeworthy and Embarassing?

Check.

So, let's air it. It shows all the hallmarks of

my intellectual self-confidence.

***

Touché:

The Incredible Shrinking Poll Lead

We couldn't use colour - couldn't afford it.

***

I Never Promised You The Rose Garden

Pink roses sir? A pale imitation…

***

Max Head Room

"Get thee behind me Satan".

Matthew 16:23                                         .

***

See also:  Policing To The Max.

The Ultimate Indignity

Celebs photo-bombed by a Muppet.


***

U - N - C - O - U - P - L - I - N - G *

We got to the point where we realised that

there's just not enough fruit in our relationship.

***

*With apologies to Tammy Wynette:

Sniffing Power?

I don't blame people for thinking I'm weird, y'know,

'cos I think I'm weird.

***

Vine via Harry Cole/Twitter:

***

Putin's Putative Putsch

I like a bit of Tartar sauce with my

sanctions and chips.

***

UPDATE: See also: Agent Provodkateur

Picket At The Pearly Gates

I'm back. It was driver-less transit so I called

everyone out on strike.

***

The Colour Of Blood

Don't worry, Ed. When I see Ralph

I won't let on how you've sold out Socialism.

***

Fudgerendum

It's a kinda in-out-shake-it-all-about

referendum.

My favourite kind!

***

Love The Shirt

And when we get Independence we'll wear

kilts with this.

***

Wannabe Lawnmower Man

The iPad is mightier than the Kalashnikov.

***

They Don't Like it Up 'Em

Captain Mainwaring, if you call me a "Dromey"

again I'll report you to Harriett Harman.

***

The Only Way Is Balls-Up

Just like to introduce my new

Shadow Chancellor.

***

Let's Broadcast It

OK. I admit it.

I've started beating my wife again.

***

The VEEP Effect

Right, this is definitely next year's Christmas Card.

***

Update:

Mandela's Brand Of Democracy

Any thoughts, Russell?

***

Edless Chicken

Thanks Ballsy. Now get your coat.

***

Flint Slated

As Shadow Energy Secretary I feel I'm doing my bit

towards conserving energy beacuse when I speak

people switch off.

***

Follow The Money

Of course we have a Plan B. If the UK rejects monetary union

with an independent Scotland we will use our own

version of Bitcoin: Scotcon. Sorry, I mean Scotcoin.

***

Scot Free. Ish.

We want Independence.

But with stabilisers, please.

***

Shopping And Fudging...

Seriously, do we look like people who

would shop at the Co-Op?

It's Waitrose for us.

***

Smug Pommie Cheat Strikes Again

The Brisbane Courier reports that a "wild dingo"

invaded the Gabba pitch and snatched five 

Aussie "Batting Babies" today.

***

Different Places, Different Planet

Actually I go to the pub all the time with Ed.

I mean my imaginary friend, Ed, of course.

***

It's All At The Co-Op

I'm not sure which line to take.

***

Nothing To Hide

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with

leak.

***

Hammond Plays Battleships

I can assure the House that the closure of Portsmouth

has nothing to do with the Scottish Independence referendum.

It's a matter of cost: Glasgow labour is cheaper as we

can get away with paying them with 

deep-fried Mars bars.

***

Divali Dave

Christ, Sam. I think I've got an

infra-red rifle sight trained on my forehead.

***

Copping The Oath

We promise to spout bollocks,

total bollocks,

and nothing but bollocks.

***

See also:  Stop And Smear.

Remember This? Headline Grabbers

Back in the day at The News Of The World

we were Old School.

If it shagged we nailed it.

From 3.6.2013.

***

Heat Of The Moment

People have a choice:

they can either wear their jumpers or eat them.

***

Space Monkey

That Roy Hodgson's got a bloody cheek if you ask me.

I certainly took offence.

***

Stop And Smear

Good Cop, Bad Cop and WTF? Cop.

***

14 Seconds: Welcome to a Police State by Stealth.

***

The Price Is Wrong

We'd love to sell our Royal Mail shares

but unfortunately they've been lost in the post.

***

Para-Norman

This is a full-length bus tour of Narnia -

so bagsy me be the Wardrobe.

***

Slash But Don't Burnham

I stood up to Murdoch.

I stood up to Dacre.

But Andy Burnham was an autocrat too far.

***

The Marxist Marksman

Are you absolutely certain that Paul Dacre

will be driving along this road, Mr Miliband?

***

Picture courtesy of Daily Mail

SIW

Personally I don't believe it's hypocritical

to write a fawning begging letter to Mr Dacre

and then to publicly slag him off

when he doesn't give me a job.

***