No Shoo In

Why I need two pairs of shoes at £65 each is

because I have two left feet.

***

Divided Nation

Rochester and Strewth, Emily, what were you

thinking of?

***

Keeping His Distance

Get thee behind me Satan: I've got enough

fucking troubles as it is.

***

Labour Pains

Where are those

Men in Grey Suits when you need them?

***

More Briefed Against Than Briefing

There is no challenge to my leadership... because

there is no leadership.

***

Et Tu, Brute?

I came.

I saw.

I completely fucked it up.

***

End Of The Pier Show

And to think, George, when Lynton said:

"Burning Piers - good photo op"

I thought he meant Piers Morgan!

***

With Friends Like These...

Enjoy your Champagne moment, Mr Juncker.

The hangover is going to be very difficult to shift.

***

Murdoch She Wrote

I'll see your Coulson and raise you Deng.

***

See also: Close to The Sun   and   Deng-Dong - Seconds Out!

Hunger Games

Surely Chicken Chiellini is a bona fide

Italian dish...?

***

Employee Of The Decade

I always thought it took two, Baby.

***

See also:  Headline Grabbers

The European Booze Cruise

Of course people should choose me. 

I single-handedly got rid of the EU wine lake.

***

Don't Stop Me Now

Now THIS is what it's really all about.

And my salary of course.

***

Yellowing Sheets

You've made your bed, Mr Clegg, now

you have to lie on it.

***

Spot The Difference...

"You know what the difference is."

N. Farage                       .

***

Punching Below His Weight

Reports that Douglas and I had to be pulled

apart are wide of the mark.

I battered the wee bastard.

***

Putin's Putative Putsch

I like a bit of Tartar sauce with my

sanctions and chips.

***

UPDATE: See also: Agent Provodkateur

It's All At The Co-Op

I'm not sure which line to take.

***

Nothing To Hide

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with

leak.

***

Hammond Plays Battleships

I can assure the House that the closure of Portsmouth

has nothing to do with the Scottish Independence referendum.

It's a matter of cost: Glasgow labour is cheaper as we

can get away with paying them with 

deep-fried Mars bars.

***