No Shoo In

Why I need two pairs of shoes at £65 each is

because I have two left feet.

***

Divided Nation

Rochester and Strewth, Emily, what were you

thinking of?

***

Sub Ed

It's OK. I'm not reading it. Just looking

at the pictures.

***

Ex Leader Of The Opposition In Waiting

Stodgy, difficult to swallow and, basically, toast.

I'm talking about the bacon sandwich, of course.

***

All Our Futures...

I do this so that all women will have the right to

vote for UKIP!

***

Spot The Difference...

"You know what the difference is."

N. Farage                       .

***

Mandela's Brand Of Democracy

Any thoughts, Russell?

***

Confused Of Westminster

Excuse me, Len.

Is the Falkirk West Question the same as

The West Lothian Question?

***

She's No Evita

Don't cry for us dear Christina

The truth is we never liked you

All through those war days

Our mad existence

We kept our promise: 

Just keep your distance.

***

Adapted from Don't Cry For Me Argentina, lyrics Tim Rice, music Andrew Lloyd Webber [from the musical Evita].

No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

I told you it would work, Mike.

Now all we have to do is leak and invent as much

Lib-Dem scandal as possible just before the next election.

***

A Touching Apology

I'm sorry

He's dodgy

I'm sorry

He's horny

I'm sorry

He's beastly

I'm sorry

'Bout Eastleigh

***

Pryceless

Guilty, M'Lud.

But I'm asking my former wife to serve my sentence for me.

***

Happy New Year, Guvnors

Fireworks at the Houses of Parliament:

looks like Guido Fawkes is still at it.

***

Happy Families

Reasons to bar potential Foster Parents:

Drunks

Drug Addicts

Murderers

Paedophiles

UKIP Voters

***

Vote Winner

And can I just say "Thank you, Rotherham,

for the best free publicity that we at

UKIP could ever hope for.

[Even Michael Gove is rooting for us!]"

***

Ballot Kept Secret

We've arrested this Polling Station

for wasting police time.

***

Lost Little Sausage

Prezza: I've been double-jagged.

***

Something Of The Night About Them

OK, I've checked the small-print. If you nod off

in the House it can be counted as your second home

for expenses puposes.

***

Putting The Old Back Into Labour

RED ED: I strongly deny that our candidate

is Phil Woolas in drag.

***

Big - But Not Clever

CLEGG: I shall vote with my conscience.

Dave, which way is that?

***