Heat Of The Moment

People have a choice:

they can either wear their jumpers or eat them.

***

Space Monkey

That Roy Hodgson's got a bloody cheek if you ask me.

I certainly took offence.

***

Stop And Smear

Good Cop, Bad Cop and WTF? Cop.

***

14 Seconds: Welcome to a Police State by Stealth.

***

The Price Is Wrong

We'd love to sell our Royal Mail shares

but unfortunately they've been lost in the post.

***

Para-Norman

This is a full-length bus tour of Narnia -

so bagsy me be the Wardrobe.

***

Slash But Don't Burnham

I stood up to Murdoch.

I stood up to Dacre.

But Andy Burnham was an autocrat too far.

***

The Marxist Marksman

Are you absolutely certain that Paul Dacre

will be driving along this road, Mr Miliband?

***

Picture courtesy of Daily Mail

SIW

Personally I don't believe it's hypocritical

to write a fawning begging letter to Mr Dacre

and then to publicly slag him off

when he doesn't give me a job.

***

Summertime Blues

The World Cup will be played in Qatar.

It will be played in summer.

It will be played on XBox with FIFA 14.

***

He Ain't Heavy He's My Dad

The reason that it falls to me, rather

than my brother, to defend our father is that

David doesn't read the Daily Mail.

***

The Dough Bringer

Do I use a breadmaker?

Several actually. They all work in the City.

***

Transmogrification Of A Geek-Wonk

I'm having acting lessons.

I'm learning to act like a Socialist.

***

Tunnel Vision

And would the last Energy Company to

leave Britain

please turn out the lights.

***

BBC's New Series...

The Land Grabbers.

***

Update

cast info has been released:

Rachel Reeves as Nora the Snorer

Ed Balls as Fiscal O’Flatline 

Hilary Benn as  Daddy Flashback

Andy Burnham as Mad Doc Grabrail

Douglas Alexander as Goody McWee

Yvette Cooper as ’Er Indoors

Harriet Harman as ’Im Indoors

Chuka Umanna as Wiki The Lad 

Sadique Khan as Maybe The Mayor

Jim Murphy as Neville Chamberlain

Angela Eagle as Maria Eagle

Maria Eagle as Angela Eagle

Carline Flint as The Joker

Stephen Twigg as Shuffle The Fool

Liam Byrne as Workshy Nocashleft

with

Some Others No One Has Heard Of

and

introducing

Ed Miliband as Little Geek / Power Man

[quick changes in nearest conservatory]

***

Red Ed Is Back

Britain is better than this.

***

Who Dares Spins

The difference between Damian McBride and me is:

he's a prick.

And I'm a holier-than-thou prick.

***

Skeletons In The Cupboard Coming Home To Roost*

And the spins of the father will be visited on the son.

***

* Credit Tom Stoppard.

See Also: Picture Of The Year 2009

***

Eton Mess

I am delighted to welcome Paddy - it's

a confirmation of our Toff-on-Toff strategy.

***

Victory Salute

Save it, Manu, for when I win outright 

in May 2015.

***

Vince & Nick's Shaky Coalition

Oh, Air conditioning!

Sorry, Vince, I thought it was Hair conditioning.

***

Waste Of Space...?

And Voyager 1 leaves the Solar System...

in search of Planet Miliband.

***

Being Liberal With The Truth

In fact Rupert Murdoch was driving and he asked me to take

his points for him and I thought it was fairer if Vicky did.

***

See also:  Back Together Kind Of

                Punishment Fitting The Crime

                Pryceless

***

The Vodka And Borsch Brigade

And is there honey still for tea in Grantchester?

***

Putin On The Style

A vast expanse of soulless desert.

And as for his country...

***

Smart Enough?

The time? Er... it's on here somewhere.

***

Upping The Ante

I'll raise you two cannisters of mustard gas

and a Sarin shell.

***

Unchained Reaction

One Nation. One Party. No Unions.

***

Don't Pay As You Go

Tax...? It's our best sting ever.

***

Spanish Bale Out

I intend to justify my fee by becoming as

massive as the Rock of Gibralta.

***

Heir To Blair's Disaster

Sorry, Barack, but there was nothing I could do:

this was an outright blue on blue chemical attack.

***

Black Oops

And that's what you get, Mr Rusbridger,

if you can't spell.

***

Nine Hour Wonder

Think yourself lucky, pal, we normally

shoot Brazilians.

***

Heir To Lasse

Just sweat and tears.
No blood.

***

Fried, Poached And Scrambled

Cone on, Len, I didn't expect you take it

all so seriously.

***

Where's Ed?

Well, you haven't seen muuch of me 'cos

I'm on a zero hours contract

and Len hasn't asked me to turn up for work.

***

You Do The Math

Stable interest for you means

no interst in me for three years.

That's the way I like it.

***

Test Tube Dinners

The burger's definitely synthetic beef but I

detect traces of rocking-horse in it.

***

Perfect Twitter Storm

And today we announce the launch of the new

Tosser Button

Click on it before sending

your tweet and if it is inapproprite

TOSSER

will flash up on your screen.

***

The Lads Co-operative

... will be sold in modesty bags in future.

***

Pray Day Loans

Yeah - interest on 5k comes out at...

...er... yeah, five loaves and two fishes.

***

Proper Shouty Crackers

...and every home will have to

opt in for porn Guido Fawkes.

***

George's First Words

Abdication  Abdication  Abdication

***

Bill Minor

I dunno, the lengths some people will go to

to avoid the bedroom tax.

***

And In Other News...

Kate goes into Labour.

Labour goes into intensive care.

***

Not News Is News

Alas... Jones.

***

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

Don't worry about Miliband - he's

flogging a dead kangaroo.

***

The Party Must UNITE

Ed, message from Len. He says:

Now that things have gone quiet and

the media circus has moved on

DO AS I FUCKING TELL YOU.

OK?

***

NHS: Slash & Burnham

Resignation? Dead certainty.

***

Fiscal Deterrent

We need trident like we need

a hole in the budget.

***