Black Oops

And that's what you get, Mr Rusbridger,

if you can't spell.

***

Nine Hour Wonder

Think yourself lucky, pal, we normally

shoot Brazilians.

***

Heir To Lasse

Just sweat and tears.
No blood.

***

Fried, Poached And Scrambled

Cone on, Len, I didn't expect you take it

all so seriously.

***

Where's Ed?

Well, you haven't seen muuch of me 'cos

I'm on a zero hours contract

and Len hasn't asked me to turn up for work.

***

You Do The Math

Stable interest for you means

no interst in me for three years.

That's the way I like it.

***

Test Tube Dinners

The burger's definitely synthetic beef but I

detect traces of rocking-horse in it.

***

Perfect Twitter Storm

And today we announce the launch of the new

Tosser Button

Click on it before sending

your tweet and if it is inapproprite

TOSSER

will flash up on your screen.

***

The Lads Co-operative

... will be sold in modesty bags in future.

***

Pray Day Loans

Yeah - interest on 5k comes out at...

...er... yeah, five loaves and two fishes.

***

Proper Shouty Crackers

...and every home will have to

opt in for porn Guido Fawkes.

***

George's First Words

Abdication  Abdication  Abdication

***

Bill Minor

I dunno, the lengths some people will go to

to avoid the bedroom tax.

***

And In Other News...

Kate goes into Labour.

Labour goes into intensive care.

***

Not News Is News

Alas... Jones.

***

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

Don't worry about Miliband - he's

flogging a dead kangaroo.

***

The Party Must UNITE

Ed, message from Len. He says:

Now that things have gone quiet and

the media circus has moved on

DO AS I FUCKING TELL YOU.

OK?

***

NHS: Slash & Burnham

Resignation? Dead certainty.

***

Fiscal Deterrent

We need trident like we need

a hole in the budget.

***

USP

Our policy is very clear:

We will introduce a completely new kind of shop - separate to

supermarkets, wine shops and newsagents -

which sell, exclusively,

plain-packaged cigarettes

minimum-priced alcohol

and warm pasties with added VAT

especilaly for those who wish to take advantage of these

consumer items.

Everyone else can shop as normal.

***

As Broad As It's Long

I've always said, Belly, that you shouldn't Walk the Walk

unless you can Talk the Talk - and we can't

touch the Aussies in that regard.

***

Hawaii Heave-Ho

My first priority is to request an up-grade

in asylum to the VIP lounge.

***

His Clause 4 Moment

So, seriously, if I gave you some Smarties you

would affiliate to the Labour Party, right?

***

Trade Union Trade-in

...And big change to the political levy

will deliver small change to party coffers.

***

Part Of The Union

ROD: I'm a leftie, you know.

ED: I wish I wasn't.

***

Sportsman Of The Eras

You see, Fred: This is how to dress.

Not some ropey old polo shirt.

***

Red On Red

Can you hear me, Buddha?

***

Confused Of Westminster

Excuse me, Len.

Is the Falkirk West Question the same as

The West Lothian Question?

***

They Made Him An Offer He Couldn't Refuse

Big Brothers are watching you.

***

Putting His Foot In It

Your mission, should you decide to accept,

is to render Ed Miliband unelectable.

(This subject will self-destruct in about 2 years)

***

Defending England

Just trying to show we are

institutionally anti-racist, sir.

***

The Old Ones Are The Best

Still not

Out Of Time.

***

Let Them Eat Burgers

Scrumptious. Austerity fries with a

Bullingdon Burger.

***

The Mitchell Effect

You know you'll have to take it through the

side gate when you leave.

***

Institutional Camouflage

Neville, do you think this guy's an

undercover racist?

***

The Prism Effect

Iceland clearly has its own fair share of mountains

so why would it want to poach

Snowden as well?

***

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

And the most surprising thing about the whole

Edward Snowden episode is the revelation that

cheesemakers make cheese.

***

Soul Mates

...then I called him Jeffrey again and his

bottom lip began to quiver - I thought he

was going to burst into tears!

***

The Physical Impossibility Of Death...

....and Charles strangles.

***

G8 Mates

I appreciate your input, Vlad, but I'm not sure

an arm-wrestle is the right way to solve

the Syrian crisis.

***

Deng-Dong - Seconds Out!

WMD?

***

Close To The Sun

Frankly, me having an affair with Wendi Deng is

about as likely as, say, an affair between

Rebekah Brooks and Andy C...

***

Democracy At Work

Ed Miliband plays politics on Europe.


***

Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Google No Evil

Our mantra is

Do No Evil.

Just facilitate evil for others.

***

What Me, Guv?

I was only trying to protect the interests of the

Green Lobby.

What do you mean "Tim Yeo is the Green Lobby"?

***

Publish And Be... Rich

We take our responsibilities as a publisher seriously:

Through Google you can find some

serious child pornography.

***

Ed's Big Week

Some people say I only listen to Ed Balls.

Others say I only listen to the Unions.

Others again say I only listen to my Dad from up above

[God rest his soul].

The truth is I am my own man.

I only listen to Willy Wonka.

***

The Bilderberg Effect

For the avoidance of doubt we are NOT

appearing at

The Grove, Watford

this week.

***

Magic

It will be a flexible cap and I will

raise it and lower it just like this.

***