More Equal

HARRIET: Here, Jack, take the bag.

JACK: What's in it?

HARRIET: Your parachute.

***

Move Over Darling...?

You see - I survived the

Forces of Hell -

apart from getting my

eyebrows singed.

***

LORD Mandelson, To You

BROWN: What's the matter?

MANDELSON: Prescott nutted me.

BROWN: Why?

MANDELSON: 'Cos I said you're a bigger bully than him.

***

Support Your Local Bully

Now get your Nokia-slinging, tangerine-chucking,

garden-girl-bitch-slapping arse out here

and explain why you've been

contacting a

Bullying Helpline.

***

Hands Off THIS Gold, Gordon

Congratulations, Amy, on winning the

Gold Medal

for Great Britain.

Yes, I do know what a skeleton is.

In fact I'm standing next to one

in my cupboard

right now.

***

...Burning Bright...?

If you put lipstick on a tiger

it's still a tiger

isn't it?

***

A Corus Of Disapproval

And to boost jobs I can today announce

the opening of a brand new

Mothball Factory

here on Teesside.

***

Damascus? I Doubt It

Yes, Piers. He's the biggest present I am

not allowed to keep.

***

What Goes Around...

BBC scriptwriters used

Doctor Who

to try and bring down Margaret Thatcher.

With

Gordon Brown

it's

The Teletubbies.

***

link: ...Comes Around.

*

The Crying Game

BROWN: And then... and then, you see... I could talk about Tony and the way he stitched me up...

MORGAN: Yes... yes...

BROWN: And then... you ask me some question... er... yes! about Sarah...

MORGAN: ...er... proposal...?

BROWN: Yes! Exactly! I can describe the proposal...

MORGAN:  OK... I see...

BROWN: And then... the coup de grace...

MORGAN: ...yes...?

BROWN: Jennifer! The death of my daughter! In my arms! I could... er...

MORGAN: ...yes?

BROWN: ...almost... you know... cry.

MORGAN: But didn't you criticise Cameron for using his family...?

BROWN: Who gives a fuck? It will make the people LOVE me.

***

Psychologically Flawed of Fife

His Latest Rendition...

The use of a strategically placed banana

does NOT constitute

torture under British Law.

***

A Flake Worse Than Death 2

MANDELSON:

And I am proud to name this new box of

Cadbury's Chocolates

"Empty Promises"

***

Crocodile Piers

They always said that the whole

New Labour

thing would end in tears.

***

Mr 52 Per Cent

Yes - it's my double-whammy!

Record finacial bankruptcy in the country.

And

Record moral bankruptcy in Parliament.

***

Lemon Difficult

Oscar Nomination: Best Adapted Screenplay

ARMANDO IANNUCCI: You could say

In The Loop

was adapted staright from the Chilcot Inquiry.

[actual quote]

link:  Lemon Difficult

Psephological Prevarication

On the one hand you have

First Past The Post

and on the other hand you have

Full Proportional Representation

and between them you can

Dither In The Middle.

So - let's Dither.

***

Blair's Crusade

Would I change anything if I had to do it all again?

Well, open-necked, pure-white, designer shirt,

khaki chinos, brown shoes: I call it

Soft Military Chic.

Of course I wouldn't change it.

I did try to tell Gordon...

***

Throwing Money At It

Right, everyone.

New Election Strategy:

We are going to pay all Labour defectors

to return to us.

Yes Alistair. I know we're broke.

But we'll just borrow the money.

***

Thanks Bob, But No Thanks

We're out of Recession!

Whoohoo!

Let's have an election immediately!

***

Mayday! Mayday!

That's it, Bob. Cover your mouth - and

keep it covered.

***

Flipping Houses

BROWN: Peter, questions are being asked about you living in a nice house in Regents Park.

MANDELSON:  Gordon, questions are being asked about you living in a nice house in Downing Street.

***

link:  Flipping Houses

*

Caught U Kipping

LORD PEARSON: You try putting on a balaclava and wandering round an airport and see what happens to you.

WOMAN IN BURKA: Well, they wouldn't see it under this, would they?

***

Hat-tip link:  Fawkes & Nomates

*

Anonymity Guaranteed

I have decided that I will attend the

Chilcot Inquiry

before the election...

because after the election

no-one will remember who I am.

***

A Flake Worse Than Death 1

And I name this new

Cadbury's Chocolate Bar

"Platitude"

"The one thing I want to say is this: we are determined that the levels of investment that take place in Cadburys in the United Kingdom are maintained and we are determined of course, that at a time when people are worried about their jobs, that jobs in Cadbury can be secure."

***

Slush Puppy

No, it's just not true that I had a

"Fund With No Name"

It was called:

"Gordon's Private Stash to Screw

The Bastard Blair".

***

link:  Slush Puppy

*

Skeletons...

The knife's in, Peter, now just keep twisting it.

***

link:  Skeletons...

*

Hanging On By His Fingertips

Screws loose in Downing Street.

***

link:  Screws Loose

*

Keeping Up With The Camerons

No, Gordon.

You airbrush the photograph

not the actual person.

***

link:  PMQ's today

*

Sexing It Down

The Iraq war wasn't my fault.

It wasn't Tony's fault.

In fact, I think you will find if this inquiry digs

deep enough, that it was entirely

Gordon Brown's fault.

***

link:  Sexing It Down

*

Losing The Plot

HOON: I think my original idea was better.

HEWITT: What - standing up in the House and shouting:

"If you all hate Gordon clap your hands"?

Maybe.

***

Once A Hoon...

Oi! Geoff...!

***

Fashion Loser

Ok, but I'm very good at

dressing up policies.

***

link:  Fashion Loser

*

New Labour, New Light Bulbs

Dim, slow to switch on,

and you can't give them away.

[Gordon Brown and his Policies]

***

link:  New Labour, New Light Bulbs

*

Straws In The Wind

So, Mr. Straw: this is the other way we keep warm.

***

link:  Straws In The Wind

*

2009: Picture Of The Year

"I told you I didn't want to be seen with you again."

"Oh. Sorry, Damian".

***

Quo's New Status

ROSSI:  OBE? Not bad on just three chords, eh Rick?

PARFITT:  I'm so old I've forgotten two of them.

***

link:  Quo's New Status

*

Well done lads - fully deserved.

Question: Why does Patrick Stewart get a Kighthood and Quo get OBE?

*

Undercover Agents

STEWARDESS: Excuse me sir, are you carrying a bomb?

UMAR FAROUK ABDULMUTALLAB: Certainly not!

DUTCH PASSENGER: Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

***

Ass Pleads For Mule

TRANSLATOR: ...and if we are prepared to

excute a mad drug mule

what chance was there that we would listen to

the Mad Prime Minister

of Great Britain?

***

link:  Ass Pleads For Mule

*

99 Shopping Days To The Election?

GORDON: Shall I stuff the Turkey, dear?

SARAH: You've had plenty of practice

stuffing the country.

***

Political Climate Change

You didn't think we were serious when we said:

"Copenhagen is the World's last chance"

did you?

We meant -

Last Chance before Christmas.

***

Boomerang Effect

OK, listen everyone:

if you're going to start throwing the mobiles

back at me - I'm ready.

***

Sarah's Phone Bills

The reason why I made lengthy calls to

Gil in Canterbury at tax-payers' expense

is because

Gordon had thrown my mobile

at somebody.

***

link:  Sarah's Phone Bills

*

Brown's See-Through Transparency

It's not a Summerhouse:

it's a building in the garden.

And it's not a deficit:

it's a set of figures that demonstrate my

Fiscal Prudence.

***

link:  Gordon Brown's Summerhouse

*

What A Balls-Up

Give it here!

If I have to pay the expenses back

I'm taking the

Sponsored Ball

with me as well.

***

link:  What A Balls-Up

Deckchairs

BROWN: Did you mention the cuts?

DARLING: No, I forgot.

BROWN: No worries.

***

Hot Debate

And the award for

"Most Innovative Idea To Combat Global Warming"

goes to...

Gordon Brown of the UK.

For:

Heathrow - Third Runway.

***

Star Quality

Just walk away, Renee

You won't see me in a Witherspoons

***

link:  Reese or Renee?

*