The Old Ones Are The Best

Still not

Out Of Time.

***

Let Them Eat Burgers

Scrumptious. Austerity fries with a

Bullingdon Burger.

***

The Mitchell Effect

You know you'll have to take it through the

side gate when you leave.

***

Institutional Camouflage

Neville, do you think this guy's an

undercover racist?

***

The Prism Effect

Iceland clearly has its own fair share of mountains

so why would it want to poach

Snowden as well?

***

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

And the most surprising thing about the whole

Edward Snowden episode is the revelation that

cheesemakers make cheese.

***

Soul Mates

...then I called him Jeffrey again and his

bottom lip began to quiver - I thought he

was going to burst into tears!

***

The Physical Impossibility Of Death...

....and Charles strangles.

***

G8 Mates

I appreciate your input, Vlad, but I'm not sure

an arm-wrestle is the right way to solve

the Syrian crisis.

***

Deng-Dong - Seconds Out!

WMD?

***

Close To The Sun

Frankly, me having an affair with Wendi Deng is

about as likely as, say, an affair between

Rebekah Brooks and Andy C...

***

Democracy At Work

Ed Miliband plays politics on Europe.


***

Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Google No Evil

Our mantra is

Do No Evil.

Just facilitate evil for others.

***

What Me, Guv?

I was only trying to protect the interests of the

Green Lobby.

What do you mean "Tim Yeo is the Green Lobby"?

***

Publish And Be... Rich

We take our responsibilities as a publisher seriously:

Through Google you can find some

serious child pornography.

***

Ed's Big Week

Some people say I only listen to Ed Balls.

Others say I only listen to the Unions.

Others again say I only listen to my Dad from up above

[God rest his soul].

The truth is I am my own man.

I only listen to Willy Wonka.

***

The Bilderberg Effect

For the avoidance of doubt we are NOT

appearing at

The Grove, Watford

this week.

***

Magic

It will be a flexible cap and I will

raise it and lower it just like this.

***

Speaking Human

I'm as camp as a Great Big Tent.

***

Editors' Notes

Dear Cools,

How I miss those country suppers.

Dear Reds,

How I miss the horse.

Dear Both,

Just fuck the fuck off, will you?

***

Headline Grabbers

Back in the day at The News Of The World

we were Old School.

If it shagged we nailed it.

***

Lobby Fodder

Nothing doth it profit a man to sell his soul

for the whole world.

But for Fiji...?!

***