Only A Porn In The Game

I can confirm that I am fronting

the Radio 5 programme

Porn Again and Richard is my researcher.

***

link: porn in the game

Weknowwhodunnit - Let's Cash In



A National Theatre spokesman has denied

that the "big song " in its new musical about

the Ipswich murders will be the

Roberta Flack standard

"Killing Me Softly"

***

link: killing me softly and cascade

Sky's Not The Limit

I must stress that News Corporation

is an Equal Opportunities Employer:

all employees have equal opportunies for

tapping, hacking, back-tracking and sacking.

***

No Offence, Love

GRAYOSAURUS: Nice tits.

KEYSOSAURUS: Bet she doesn't know the offside rule.

GRAYOSAURUS: Yeah. But nice tits.

***

Indiscreet Free Kick

Andy Gray and Richard Keys

try out Sky Sport's new

Gender Blindness glasses.

***

Two Ed's Are Better Than One

RED ED: You're the one that I want.

BALLS ED: You're the job that I want.

***

Dog Days At No 10

Basically, you have to keep the tabloids sweet

and ensure I'm in touch with the

ordinary voter.

Plus we'll call you Andy. OK?

***

What A Difference A Year Makes

Before Regrets

After Regrets

BLAIR: We added the grey to enhance my Gravitas Index.

***

Clone Of Brown

BROWN: One day, Ed, all this will be yours.

Then four months later it will all be mine again.

By proxy.

***

see also: Red In Tooth And Claws

Self-Delivery

BALLS: Your redundancy cheque's in the post, mate.

***

Wrong Kind Of Splash?

Red Ed soon came to realise that

Hot Air alone was not enough

to keep the balloon airborne.

***

Something Of The Night About Them

OK, I've checked the small-print. If you nod off

in the House it can be counted as your second home

for expenses puposes.

***

Lost In Translation

Paul Gascoigne's mobile was hacked

which led to the infamous NOTW headline:

Whoar Mutha Mon Ye Knaa Leik Wh'ees i' Tha Netty?

***

Asterisk The Dwarf

No, you're f***ing a slightly deranged

Labour activist who refers to herself

as a "writer" and "journalist".

Royalty she ain't.

***

link:  Order F***ing Order

Help! I Need Somebody

Lib Dems - as one tragic mistake to another -

come and join me.

***

Do The Math

Erm... Labour 14,718 votes.

LibDems 11,160 votes.

Tories 4,481 votes.

Er... add up... carry... equals...

Yep, Ed. I can definitely confirm

we got more votes than the Coalition.

***

Putting The Old Back Into Labour

RED ED: I strongly deny that our candidate

is Phil Woolas in drag.

***

Send For Monica

BILL: Hilary, I said you needed more

practice going down.

***

link: Hilary's latest trip

My Old & Sad Brother

RED ED: I had a rosette - it was this big -

but my brother pinched it for a trip to

Sunderland. Bastard.

***

Return Of New Labour Space Cadets?

It wasn't long before

Peter Mandelson

was able to re-invent himself.

***

link: hubble bubble

Return Of The Native

Though dressed as a cooling tower,

PC Kennedy blew his cover by not smoking.

***

link:  Return of the Native

Nadine - Honey, Is That You?

The actress who plays Nadine Dorries

in the popular soap Westminster Village

has threatened to quit in protest

at the contoversial "alcoholism" storyline

that the writers have come up with.

***

Prison Friendly

Go figure.

***

Protected Species

The Coalition was surprised to find how dificult

it was to successfully hunt down

and illiminate the illusive Quango.

***

It's A Mythtery

It's not a lisp.

I was talkimg about the Government's "myth".

Not "myth".

***

Chateauneuf du VAT?

JOHNSON: I'll pay, Chris, but can you

add up the bill for me?

***

link: chateauneuf du VAT

Bercows Party Like It Was 1999

It's our fun new party game, dahling.

People frisk me to see where I've hidden John.

***

The VAT's Out Of The Bag

Did you realise that a 2.5 % rise in VAT

means that a blank page goes up by this many policies?

***

He Won't Be Back

Hello, again, films:

goodbye Show Business.

***

link:  The Governor Terminates

*

Sleeping Giant

Coalition strategists assess how long it

will be before the

Union Colossus breaks free.

***