New From EA Sports: "Ultimate Traffic Warden"

Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary claims that

it is "perfectly lawful" to burn the cars

of passengers who refuse to pay the

Ryanair Parking Premium

which they are informed of in-flight.

***

Blairaising Experience

MANDELSON: I've fixed Ed for you.

MILI-MAJOR: Butt out and shut the fuck up, OK?

***

Vaguely Gay

SPAD: Foreign Office.... Ah, Crispin! Thanks for

getting back. William says many thanks - he owes you one...

Er... no ...

I don't think he meant that kind of one.

Ciao, Crispin.

***

Two Slightly Irritated Boys

QUESTIONER: Favourite film?

MILI-MAJOR/MILI-MINOR: Twelve Angry Men.

QUESTIONER: You both...

MILI-MAJOR/MILI-MINOR: He copied me!

***

link:  Two Brothers Separated By The Same Choice Of Film.

*

My Oh Myers

I am privialged to be the first to use

this new sonic measuring device

for my latest bespoke designer

baseball cap.

***

Polly Peck Or Hen Peck?

As a former tycoon and playboy I have

returned because the conditions are right:

I can't stand being around the old bat

indoors back in Northern Cyprus any more.

***

Austin Powers' Nephew Could Create World Peace

MYERS: We could solve a lot of problems, Will,

by getting India, Pakistan and Bangladesh

to join together as one big country.

HAGUE: That's interesting advice, Chris.

***

Language Barrier

REPORTER: Did you learn a language at school?

TEEN: Yeah. French: Fuck Off.

***

The Thrown Behind The Power

Now, whilst David is away, I would just

like to make it clear that

behind every great man

there's a great womanizer.

***

Edless Chicken

First rule of holding a House Party is:

DON'T invite close relatives.

***

A Real Treasurer

Any more balloons?

I've got plenty more hot air left.

***

The Ultimate Spin

The wages of sin are death.

The wages of death are

£4.6 million plus royalties.

***

A Right Charlie

New Labour - Mandelson, Blair - it's dead, gone,

kaput. It's back to the old tribal, factional, unionised,

in-fighting, unelectable Labour.

Welcome home.

***

The New Green Agenda

CAMERON: Now look, Phil, I only want

Designer Cuts - non of these cheap imported copies.

***

Your Round, Dave

CAMERON: The point is that if beer

had been a sensible price

William wouldn't have been able to

afford 14 pints a day.

***

link: Your Round, Dave

*

Fun Times

They always said the creation of

New Labour

would be a roller-coaster ride.

***

link: Fun Times

*

Land Of Milk And ...

CAMERON: Final part of the deal:

I'll provide the milk...

CLEGG: And I'll provide the syrup - oops - I mean honey.

CAMERON: Perfect.

***

Be More Vague Or Leave It To Hague

OK, so Pakistan are great, Israel's wonderful,

the US are special but, frankly,

a tad late in WW2

and the worst Iran can do is lob a nuclear power station at us.

I think that covers it - I'll do another

one of these next month. Thank you.

***

Diamonds Are A Girl's Worst Enemy

No, honest to God, I thought that

when he said "Did I like the stones?"

he was referring to Mick Jagger's crew.

***

Five Bare Their Souls On The Hustings

2015: New Prime Minister Diane Abbot

with her four bodyguards.

(Two Labour, one Conservitive-lite and one

non-descript: the ties have it)

***

There's Been A Murdoch

Pink Floyd have a new track out today:

Another Quid in the Paywall.

***

You're History

I didn't go into politics to win

popularity polls.

Anyway, in my head I'm the best

Prime Minister ever.

***

link: You're History

*

Islamabaddie

Just to emphasise that this Coalition means
business I sledge Pakistan

and they immediately get massively rolled over
by England at Trent Bridge.

Now that's hitting the ground running.

***

Jacqui Seeks Aunty To Replace Sister

I'm a greedy, unprincipled, incompetent trougher:

perfectly qualified for the BBC Trust.

***

link: Jacqui Seeks Aunty...