2009: Picture Of The Year

"I told you I didn't want to be seen with you again."

"Oh. Sorry, Damian".

***

Quo's New Status

ROSSI:  OBE? Not bad on just three chords, eh Rick?

PARFITT:  I'm so old I've forgotten two of them.

***

link:  Quo's New Status

*

Well done lads - fully deserved.

Question: Why does Patrick Stewart get a Kighthood and Quo get OBE?

*

Undercover Agents

STEWARDESS: Excuse me sir, are you carrying a bomb?

UMAR FAROUK ABDULMUTALLAB: Certainly not!

DUTCH PASSENGER: Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

***

Ass Pleads For Mule

TRANSLATOR: ...and if we are prepared to

excute a mad drug mule

what chance was there that we would listen to

the Mad Prime Minister

of Great Britain?

***

link:  Ass Pleads For Mule

*

99 Shopping Days To The Election?

GORDON: Shall I stuff the Turkey, dear?

SARAH: You've had plenty of practice

stuffing the country.

***

Political Climate Change

You didn't think we were serious when we said:

"Copenhagen is the World's last chance"

did you?

We meant -

Last Chance before Christmas.

***

Boomerang Effect

OK, listen everyone:

if you're going to start throwing the mobiles

back at me - I'm ready.

***

Sarah's Phone Bills

The reason why I made lengthy calls to

Gil in Canterbury at tax-payers' expense

is because

Gordon had thrown my mobile

at somebody.

***

link:  Sarah's Phone Bills

*

Brown's See-Through Transparency

It's not a Summerhouse:

it's a building in the garden.

And it's not a deficit:

it's a set of figures that demonstrate my

Fiscal Prudence.

***

link:  Gordon Brown's Summerhouse

*

What A Balls-Up

Give it here!

If I have to pay the expenses back

I'm taking the

Sponsored Ball

with me as well.

***

link:  What A Balls-Up

Deckchairs

BROWN: Did you mention the cuts?

DARLING: No, I forgot.

BROWN: No worries.

***

Hot Debate

And the award for

"Most Innovative Idea To Combat Global Warming"

goes to...

Gordon Brown of the UK.

For:

Heathrow - Third Runway.

***

Star Quality

Just walk away, Renee

You won't see me in a Witherspoons

***

link:  Reese or Renee?

*

Post Early For...

Two years late?

Well don't blame me - blame The Postman.

***

Una Paloma Wanka

Gordon, Spain is NOT in the G20.

Oh, right.

When did it leave?

***

...And Into The Fire Hydrant

"Fore!"

[I think three's quite enough, Mr Woods]

***

Update:

[Ten...???!!! You definitely won't make the cut now, Mr Woods.]

Out Of The Woods...

OK, Elin, you're not my caddy,

you don't want to be my caddy,

and I do know where to stick that

golf club

you're weilding.

***

Once A Dalek...

"I've moved on since my CND days"

says

Baroness Ashton of Upholland

[and UpEurope]

***

link:  Once a Dalek...

*

Putting UK First

The Americans have undertaken not to put

McKinnon

in a supermax prison.

They'll put him in

Guantanamo

instead.

***

link:  UK First

*

The Postman Always Rings Twice 2

You know me - I'm a man of tradition.

And we traditionally

kow-tow

to the United States

***

link:  The Postman Delivers

*

Banking On It

And our new tariff of charges will be for

money you have lent us

to bail us out.

***

link:  Banking On IT

*

With Friends Like Me...

Piers, you ask if I gave my

full support

to Tony for EU President.

Well of course I did.

I really, really did.

I even sent every leader a hand-written letter.

It's not my fault if they couldn't decipher it, is it?

***

link: With Friends Like Me...

*

Speaker Cornered

In the interests of complete transparency

I can confirm that the only degree

Sally got at Oxford was

the third degree

for hiring a male stripper.

That's the long and short of it.

***

link: Speaker Cornered

*

The Nightmare Scenario

I admit that I strangled the

British Economy

but I was asleep at the time,

having a nightmare.

***

Brussels Sprout

Seeing as you asked I have about

this much charisma.

***

Due Care And Attention

I'm Harriett Harman. You know where

you can get me:

in court.

***

Supporting My Hero

Better to be safe than sorry: I thought I'd bring

Gordon's pill box

along with me for the

Queen's Speech.

***

Queen's Election Broadcast

"...and due to my discredited government with

its lame duck-house Prime Ditherer

I'm sorry to have to tell you that this pantomime

will continue for another few months yet".

***

Hardest Word

I will be apologising to

British Child Migrants

next year.

You know me: it takes at least a couple of months

to psych myself up to make any kind of apology.

***

Bank Reform

Longer Name.

Longer Queues.

***

Correspondence Champion

And the "Better Letter Masterclass" here at the

Department for Business, Innovation and Skills

will be led by G. Brown.

***

Everything He Touches...

Who needs The Sun?

I'm quite capable of losing the election on my own.

***

Checkpoint Charlie...?

ANGELA: I grew up in East Berlin, you know. Couldn't wait to get over the wall.

GORDON: Count your blessings. I grew up in East Fife. Couldn't wait to get over the border.

***

Enough Rope

Everybody knows that Gordon was not being

disrepectful in his letter.

He's just a bit of a twat, that's all.

***

He Dithers Not

I cannot, must not, will not walk away from Afghanistan.

I'll let Cameron do that after next May.

***

Fall Guy

You can come out now, Gordon.

The bonfire's gone out and Peter and the rest have left.

***

Another Spliff Over Europe

Everybody knows I would love to have a

reeferendum.

But it's against the law.

***

Brown's Moran Compass

Some people may find it strange that I have a house in Southampton.

But who the fuck wants to live in Luton?

***

Bonfire Of The Vanities

And for my next trick - I'm going to save The World, The Universe, Infinity...

and Beyond!

***

The Postman Always Rings Twice

OK. So we might have got immigration policy wrong.

We probably got a lot of things wrong.

Like thinking Gordon could be a good Prime Minister.

***

Leadership Bid

I don't pretend to be a scientist.

I do pretend I can do Tai Kwon Do.


***

The Littlest Englander

And another thing: we will ban

Liquorice Allsorts.

***

Decent Journalism: RIP

Moir: I'm not homophobic. I just hate queers.

***

The Guido Effect

Nothing does it profit a man to sell his soul for the world.

But for Staines...?

***

Bitter End

We have a programme for government: it's

called "Postman Pat".

***

£12,415

A price worth paying to hopefully save

my unemployment.

***

Gagging For It

What The Fuck?

***

Jacqui Apologises to the House

Richard: Which house did you apologise to, Jacqui - Redditch or London?

***