No Shoo In

Why I need two pairs of shoes at £65 each is

because I have two left feet.

***

Defining Moments

KINNOCK:  Are y'all-right?

MILIBAND: Hell yes!

***

Labour's Un-convent-ional Approach

Tristram Hunt decides to weaponize

Nuns.

***

No Business...

He's a great leader of the Labour party - I

just can't remember his name.

***

Short Term Economic Farce

Red Ed

&

In-the-Red Ed

***

Divided Nation

Rochester and Strewth, Emily, what were you

thinking of?

***

History Repeating Itself

Or... as Van Morrison might famously have said:

Tonight thank God it's Them and not U2.

***

Please support Sir Bob's Ebola initiative - Band Aid 30. Download Do They Know It's Christmas.

***

Comet Eclipses The Sun

It's OK 'cos I'm wearing a

"This Is What A Feminist Looks Like"

tee shirt underneath.

***

Keeping His Distance

Get thee behind me Satan: I've got enough

fucking troubles as it is.

***

Labour Pains

Where are those

Men in Grey Suits when you need them?

***

More Briefed Against Than Briefing

There is no challenge to my leadership... because

there is no leadership.

***

Sins Of The Father

... And one day, son, all this will be

UKIP's

***

Vacuum

Yes, Harriett, but I haven't got time to

frame any policies because I'm too busy

researching Soaps online.

***

Green & Pleasant

No, Harriet.

I hear no EVEL.

I see no EVEL.

I speak no EVEL.

***

Scot Free-ish

Just for a wee moment there I thought that

Idi Amin wasn't going to be the last

King of Scotland

after all.

***

The Neutralisation Of The Haggis

They said YES would vote with their hearts.

They said NO would vote with their heads.

In fact

Scots voted with their wallets.

***

NATO: We're Prepared

Due to the NHS Wales doctor shortage

NATO brought its own locum.

***

Et Tu, Brute?

I came.

I saw.

I completely fucked it up.

***

Unfinished Business

Good Morning I-raq!

***

Smoked Salmond

Alex Salmond's Plan B.

***

Curtains For Ed...?

I want to represent real people with real lives

so I won't answer questions about decor because

real people never decorate their homes.

***

End Of The Pier Show

And to think, George, when Lynton said:

"Burning Piers - good photo op"

I thought he meant Piers Morgan!

***

Lynton's Spotted The Wrong Strides

I get it! I see what I'm doing wrong!

I'm trying to wear my brother's trousers!

***

Ediquette

Do you think I can eat this without looking

geeky, weird and stupid, Gromit?

***

It's a Cam-Junck

We did it, Camo my boy!

We isolated 26 member states!

Now we can reform whatever we please together.

Let's have a Cognac to celebrate.

***

Real Brits Don't Wear Tartan

Scotland - really?

Please go. Just go.

***

With Friends Like These...

Enjoy your Champagne moment, Mr Juncker.

The hangover is going to be very difficult to shift.

***

Murdoch She Wrote

I'll see your Coulson and raise you Deng.

***

See also: Close to The Sun   and   Deng-Dong - Seconds Out!

Hunger Games

Surely Chicken Chiellini is a bona fide

Italian dish...?

***

Employee Of The Decade

I always thought it took two, Baby.

***

See also:  Headline Grabbers

The European Booze Cruise

Of course people should choose me. 

I single-handedly got rid of the EU wine lake.

***

You Couldn't Fabricant It

The only differences between

Rod and Yasmin

are their sex, their colour

and their own personal brand of hypocrisy.

***

One Out All Out

What a tika-tacky ceremony.

***

Dave's Penalty Shoot-out

C'mon you Juncker!

***

Don't Stop Me Now

Now THIS is what it's really all about.

And my salary of course.

***

Only Sing When You're Winning

Very pleased to announce the launch of our new band:

3 Plebs and a Toff.

Our debut single will be a cover of the classic by

Europe: The Final Countdown.

***

Bringing Achilles To Heel?

MAY:  If I were in your shoes, matey, I'd tread carefully.

GOVE:  If I were in your shoes, dear, I'd look a right Nancy Boy.

***

Agent Provodkateur

My name is Vladimir Putin and I claim

Ukraine!

***

See also: Putin's Putative Putsch

New World Ballsup

I'm sorry, sir. This is Bilderberg.

No Flatliners allowed.

***

Sub Ed

It's OK. I'm not reading it. Just looking

at the pictures.

***

Yellowing Sheets

You've made your bed, Mr Clegg, now

you have to lie on it.

***

Ex Leader Of The Opposition In Waiting

Stodgy, difficult to swallow and, basically, toast.

I'm talking about the bacon sandwich, of course.

***

All Our Futures...

I do this so that all women will have the right to

vote for UKIP!

***

Spot The Difference...

"You know what the difference is."

N. Farage                       .

***

Three Wheels On My Wagon

ED:  And this is my serious face.

AXELROD:  Yup. We're gonna have to lose that.

***

Punching Below His Weight

Reports that Douglas and I had to be pulled

apart are wide of the mark.

I battered the wee bastard.

***

Another Pfizer Cock-up

Roll up! Roll up!

Who else wants to put the boot into me

for being a rape apologist?

***

Another Serious Point From Wee Dougie

Ed, I know there's no VAT on food but

nobody will notice.

***

#Black&Whiteischeaper

And The Oscar For Political Naïvity Goes To...

What I look for in a Socilaist Political Broadcast:

1.  Does it promote Class War?  Check.

2.  Does it represent Grown Up Politics?  Check.

3.  Is it Geeky, Weird, Cringeworthy and Embarassing?

Check.

So, let's air it. It shows all the hallmarks of

my intellectual self-confidence.

***

Touché:

The Incredible Shrinking Poll Lead

We couldn't use colour - couldn't afford it.

***