Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Lock 'Em Up & Give 'Em The Key

Fewer criminals will go to prison: we'll put them in Harriett Harman's Equalities Office Peace Pod instead.


Tuesday, 29 June 2010

In Your American Dreams

You are charged with compromising national security by passing the following information to the Russians:

1. The plot-line of the next Disney film.

2. The actual beef content of a Big Mac.

3. The secret location where Michael Jackson and Elvis are living, having faked their deaths.

How do you plead?

American, your honour.


Monday, 28 June 2010

Three Truths On Their Shirt




[And that's just the Manager]


Sunday, 27 June 2010

Here's A Hot Tip...

Abject Capitulation to beat Golden Generation
in the vuvuzela stakes -
the richest non-event in sporting history.


Saturday, 26 June 2010

Bob's Yer Carbuncle

CHARLES: That is an eyesore. It should be knocked down.

REPORTER: It's Buckingham Palace, sir. Your Mother's house.

CHARLES: She doesn't know the first thing about architecture.


Friday, 25 June 2010

Burger Kings

MEDVEDEV: And what cut are these burgers made out Mr President?

OBAMA: Mixture of Hayward sirloin and McCrystal brisket.


link:  Burger Kings


Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Budget Small Print

Look! I know I'm paid a lot but
the Deficit is NOT my fault. OK?


Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Les Miserables

You had the Comedian's Budget from Labour.

This is the Straight Man's Budget from the Coalition.
[Now that Laws has gone, that is.]


Monday, 21 June 2010

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Boris Sounds Bum Note

Just for a change I'll blow
someone else's trumpet.


link:  Boris Blows


Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Clegg's Core Election Strategy Revealed

The Lib-Dems have been
ejected from the Coalition Government
due to
"ambush marketing".



Monday, 14 June 2010

He Ain't Heavy...

BOTH:  Vote for me - I'm not my brother.


The Office Of Budget Irresponsibility

I cannot actually be accused of
over-estimating growth
because I had my fingers crossed at the time.


Sunday, 13 June 2010

Green Agenda

Typical bloody Yanks covering the ball
with oil - just to make a point.


Saturday, 12 June 2010

South African Dream

Yes, and I expect us to win the world cup
for the fans, for the Queen
and for Italy.


Friday, 11 June 2010

Flag Of Inconvenience

SCOTSMAN: Och, I knew it wouldn't be long
until The Coalition sold out to foreigners.


Thursday, 10 June 2010

What Are Friends For?

KARZAI: Now, David, let me explain how you
win an election outright.


'Tillo, Brillo & Shrillo

ABBOTT: Which two tits are you talking about?


Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Young, Gifted and White

ALL: Thank goodness Diane has been nominated
otherwise I would have been the only
"different" candidate.


Tuesday, 8 June 2010

A Cut Above

Where there is Cameron, may we bring Clegg.


Beyond Pelicans

This is the biggest clean-up operation
ever known to man.
I will not rest until I have returned to pristine condition
our tarnished image.


Monday, 7 June 2010

Playing The Loyalty Card

John McDonnell regrets not assassinating Thatcher.
Well I regret not assassinating Brown.
But I'm having a jolly good go at it now.


Its Beak Can Hold More Than A Jerrycan

I wouldn't mind but I have to
pay tax on this as well you know.



Sunday, 6 June 2010

Supporting The Strikers

As you're not working would some of you like to come and crew my
easyJet flight to Cyprus
so I don't miss out on free drinks and nibbles.



Saturday, 5 June 2010

Clueless In Gaza

1st WOMAN: What's that gunfire?

2nd WOMAN: It's the IDF shooting itself in the foot.


Charity Begins At Home

My first priority as Poverty Tsar will be to
make sure we get the
Labour Party
above the poverty line.
Finacially and ideas-wise that is.



Friday, 4 June 2010

National Sport

We're different:
when I used to play SpAds footy with
the Milibands they were into the
long-ball game whilst I
was more inclined to drivel.


Thursday, 3 June 2010

All Women Short Cuts

I think that half the Shadow Cabinet should be women.
And the other half should be my relations.



Life Imitates Art

"I got some bad ideas in my head."


Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Phantom Opposition?

HARMAN:  Can I press the Prime Minister to
re-consider anonymity?

CAMERON: Who asked that...?


New Politics, New PMQs...?

QUESTIONER: May I ask if the Prime Minister is wearing sandals?


Tuesday, 1 June 2010

The Office Of Very Fair Trading

FINGLETON: I give you my wisdom for £279,999 a year:
sounds like Fair Trading to me.