Sunday, 31 October 2010

Harman's Ginger Nuts

I don't know what all the fuss is about.
These LibDems are so hyper-sensitive.
Robin Cook never flinched
when I used to call him
"You Ginger Scotch Conshi Git."
Neil Kinnock always laughs when I yell
down the corridor "There goes the
Ginger Welsh Windbag".
And Hazel Blears loves it when I say
"Morning to the
Ginger Dwarf-Bitch from Salford."



Something In The Air Freight

Let down by old toner cartridges?
Switch to Kodak - so cheap you'll
make a killing.


Saturday, 30 October 2010

Vive La Real Difference

Europe is like putty in my hands!

(Trouble is with putty, Dave, it dries, it sticks,
it soilidifies and is very difficult
to get rid of.)


Thursday, 28 October 2010

Red Ed For Red Planet?

Life On Mars: One-Way Ticket To Red Planet ...

One way ticket to Mars
for humans or just
those who "talk human"?



The Leaker Leaked

Next week WikiLeaks will release
documents about XXXXX and XXXXX .

An injunction has been taken out
borderline fools
by WikiLeaks
to prevent it from leaking
what WikiLeaks is about to leak.


Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Dear Reader

  Poisoned dart frogs were among the creatures ...

Spectacular species previously unknown to the outside world are being discovered in the Amazon rainforest at a rate of one every three days, environment group WWF said in a report published Tuesday. An anaconda as long as a limousine, a giant catfish that eats monkeys, a blue fanged spider and poisoned dart frogs are among the 1,220 animals and plants to have been found from 1999 to 2009, according to the study.

And most amazing of all was the previously completely unknown
Amazon Kindle.


Tuesday, 26 October 2010

The Postman Delivers

Growth of 0.8%...?
What's that in old money?



Sony has announced the retirement of
The Walkman
after 30 years.
So come on Cliff, mate:
take the bloody hint.



Monday, 25 October 2010

Desert Island Cigs

I'm smoking the Liberal Democrat cigarette:
invisible, intangible, illogical
and quite hard to swallow.


Saturday, 23 October 2010

Trump Trumped

I have instructed my lawyers to instigate
proceedings against the Disney Corporation for
its repeaeted use of my copyrighted
name "Donald" as in Donald Duck.



Friday, 22 October 2010

Navy Lark

FOX: I appreciate the alacrity with which you
try to carry out orders, Captain, but does
this really look like
an Aircraft Carrier to you?


Godfather Makes Offer Roo Can't Refuse

FERGIE: So, son, final offer: £165K £200K and
two hookers per week.

WAYNE: Really? Oh, go on then.


[figures updated]

Thursday, 21 October 2010

Hush Puppy Politics

Let the Home Secretary be on notice:
it will be her footwear that becomes the focus
of Red Ed's stilletto-like debating skills
at next PMQ's.


Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Reflected Glory

RED ED: Now you know why I chose Alan
Johnson as my Shadow Chancellor:
he makes even me look a bit good.


Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Britannia Rules The Waves

And I say to you all: a Conservative
Government would never compromise
the defence of these isl...glug...glug...gurgle...gurgle...


Monday, 18 October 2010

Cyber-terrorism Bytes


Beware any laptop that wears a rucksack:
could be a cyberside bomber.


The Unspeakable In Pursuit Of The Uneatable

Although fox hunting is illegal
the "drunken" fox is still fair game, apparently.


Thursday, 14 October 2010

Red Ed's Badger Head

And I wear this small white patch in my hair
as a mark of respect for my long lost brother.


Big Society, Big Celebrity

CAMERON: You running for President, Arnie?

SWARZENEGGER: Maybe. But I won't be Barak.


Monday, 11 October 2010

Two Eds Are Better Than One

BALLS ED: Thanks Ed. Yvette would have been insuferable
if she'd got Shadow Chancellor.

RED ED: Thanks Ed. You're like a brother to me.


Sunday, 10 October 2010

The Postman Always Asks Twice

JOHNSON:  Yvette, what's the Shadow Chancellor's brief?

COOPER: It's the economy, stupid.

JOHNSON: Ed, what's the Shadow Chancellor's brief?

BALLS: It's the economy, stupid.


Saturday, 9 October 2010

Going Postal

RED ED: This is Gordon's own,
personal, well-thumbed copy, Alan.


Friday, 8 October 2010

Red Ed Casts His Shadow

New Generation Labour Patronage
ends at M [for Miliband]


Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Pie In The Blue Sky...?

My vision is one of a Big Society where
we're all in it together in the national interset to create a society
with no bad weather, we win the World Cup
and Ann Widdecombe triumphs in Strictly Come Dancing.


Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Squeezing The Middle

Thanks, Mr. Osborne.
There goes me smokes and coke.


Sunday, 3 October 2010

Red Ed On His Moped

RED ED:  And I say to you all: get on your
moped and look for Workers to Unite.


Saturday, 2 October 2010

Red In Tooth And Claws

BROWN: One day, Ed, all this will be yours.

MILI-MINOR: [thinks] Maybe, but I'll be trashing
you, your government
and the hats will be red.