Tuesday 31 August 2010

New From EA Sports: "Ultimate Traffic Warden"


Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary claims that
it is "perfectly lawful" to burn the cars
of passengers who refuse to pay the
Ryanair Parking Premium
which they are informed of in-flight.


***

Blairaising Experience


MANDELSON: I've fixed Ed for you.

MILI-MAJOR: Butt out and shut the fuck up, OK?


***


Monday 30 August 2010

Vaguely Gay


SPAD: Foreign Office.... Ah, Crispin! Thanks for
getting back. William says many thanks - he owes you one...
Er... no ...
I don't think he meant that kind of one.
Ciao, Crispin.


***



Two Slightly Irritated Boys


QUESTIONER: Favourite film?

MILI-MAJOR/MILI-MINOR: Twelve Angry Men.

QUESTIONER: You both...

MILI-MAJOR/MILI-MINOR: He copied me!


***


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Saturday 28 August 2010

My Oh Myers


I am privialged to be the first to use
this new sonic measuring device
for my latest bespoke designer
baseball cap.


***


Thursday 26 August 2010

Polly Peck Or Hen Peck?


As a former tycoon and playboy I have
returned because the conditions are right:
I can't stand being around the old bat
indoors back in Northern Cyprus any more.


***

Wednesday 25 August 2010

Austin Powers' Nephew Could Create World Peace


MYERS: We could solve a lot of problems, Will,
by getting India, Pakistan and Bangladesh
to join together as one big country.

HAGUE: That's interesting advice, Chris.


***


Language Barrier


REPORTER: Did you learn a language at school?

TEEN: Yeah. French: Fuck Off.


***


Monday 23 August 2010

The Thrown Behind The Power


Now, whilst David is away, I would just
like to make it clear that
behind every great man
there's a great womanizer.


***

Saturday 21 August 2010

Edless Chicken


First rule of holding a House Party is:
DON'T invite close relatives.


***


Friday 20 August 2010

A Real Treasurer


Any more balloons?
I've got plenty more hot air left.


***


Wednesday 18 August 2010

The Ultimate Spin


The wages of sin are death.
The wages of death are
£4.6 million plus royalties.


***


Monday 16 August 2010

A Right Charlie




New Labour - Mandelson, Blair - it's dead, gone,
kaput. It's back to the old tribal, factional, unionised,
in-fighting, unelectable Labour.
Welcome home.


***


Sunday 15 August 2010

The New Green Agenda



CAMERON: Now look, Phil, I only want
Designer Cuts - non of these cheap imported copies.


***


Friday 13 August 2010

Your Round, Dave


CAMERON: The point is that if beer
had been a sensible price
William wouldn't have been able to
afford 14 pints a day.


***


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Thursday 12 August 2010

Fun Times


They always said the creation of
New Labour
would be a roller-coaster ride.


***

link: Fun Times

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Tuesday 10 August 2010

Land Of Milk And ...


CAMERON: Final part of the deal:
I'll provide the milk...

CLEGG: And I'll provide the syrup - oops - I mean honey.

CAMERON: Perfect.


***


Friday 6 August 2010

Be More Vague Or Leave It To Hague


OK, so Pakistan are great, Israel's wonderful,
the US are special but, frankly,
a tad late in WW2
and the worst Iran can do is lob a nuclear power station at us.
I think that covers it - I'll do another
one of these next month. Thank you.


***


Thursday 5 August 2010

Diamonds Are A Girl's Worst Enemy


No, honest to God, I thought that
when he said "Did I like the stones?"
he was referring to Mick Jagger's crew.


***


Wednesday 4 August 2010

Five Bare Their Souls On The Hustings


2015: New Prime Minister Diane Abbot
with her four bodyguards.
(Two Labour, one Conservitive-lite and one
non-descript: the ties have it)


***


There's Been A Murdoch



Pink Floyd have a new track out today:

Another Quid in the Paywall.


***


Tuesday 3 August 2010

You're History


I didn't go into politics to win
popularity polls.
Anyway, in my head I'm the best
Prime Minister ever.


***


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Monday 2 August 2010

Islamabaddie


Just to emphasise that this Coalition means
business I sledge Pakistan
and they immediately get massively rolled over
by England at Trent Bridge.
Now that's hitting the ground running.


***


Sunday 1 August 2010

Jacqui Seeks Aunty To Replace Sister


I'm a greedy, unprincipled, incompetent trougher:
perfectly qualified for the BBC Trust.


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