Wednesday, 26 March 2014

U - N - C - O - U - P - L - I - N - G *


We got to the point where we realised that
there's just not enough fruit in our relationship.


***


*With apologies to Tammy Wynette:

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Monday, 17 March 2014

Saturday, 15 March 2014

Picket At The Pearly Gates


I'm back. It was driver-less transit so I called
everyone out on strike.


***



Friday, 14 March 2014

The Colour Of Blood



Don't worry, Ed. When I see Ralph
I won't let on how you've sold out Socialism.


***


Thursday, 27 February 2014

Monday, 23 December 2013

Wannabe Lawnmower Man



The iPad is mightier than the Kalashnikov.


***

Friday, 13 December 2013

They Don't Like it Up 'Em



Captain Mainwaring, if you call me a "Dromey"
again I'll report you to Harriett Harman.


***



Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

The VEEP Effect



Right, this is definitely next year's Christmas Card.


***


Update:

Friday, 6 December 2013

Monday, 2 December 2013

Flint Slated



As Shadow Energy Secretary I feel I'm doing my bit
towards conserving energy beacuse when I speak
people switch off.


***

Friday, 29 November 2013

Follow The Money



Of course we have a Plan B. If the UK rejects monetary union
with an independent Scotland we will use our own
version of Bitcoin: Scotcon. Sorry, I mean Scotcoin.


***

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Scot Free. Ish.



We want Independence.
But with stabilisers, please.


***

Friday, 22 November 2013

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Smug Pommie Cheat Strikes Again



The Brisbane Courier reports that a "wild dingo"
invaded the Gabba pitch and snatched five 
Aussie "Batting Babies" today.


***





Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Different Places, Different Planet



Actually I go to the pub all the time with Ed.
I mean my imaginary friend, Ed, of course.


***



Friday, 8 November 2013

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Hammond Plays Battleships



I can assure the House that the closure of Portsmouth
has nothing to do with the Scottish Independence referendum.
It's a matter of cost: Glasgow labour is cheaper as we
can get away with paying them with 
deep-fried Mars bars.


***



Monday, 4 November 2013

Divali Dave



Christ, Sam. I think I've got an
infra-red rifle sight trained on my forehead.


***



Sunday, 3 November 2013

Copping The Oath



We promise to spout bollocks,
total bollocks,
and nothing but bollocks.



***


See also:  Stop And Smear.


Friday, 1 November 2013

Friday, 18 October 2013

Heat Of The Moment



People have a choice:
they can either wear their jumpers or eat them.


***



Thursday, 17 October 2013

Space Monkey



That Roy Hodgson's got a bloody cheek if you ask me.
I certainly took offence.


***



Saturday, 12 October 2013

The Price Is Wrong



We'd love to sell our Royal Mail shares
but unfortunately they've been lost in the post.


***



Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Para-Norman



This is a full-length bus tour of Narnia -
so bagsy me be the Wardrobe.


***



Monday, 7 October 2013

Sunday, 6 October 2013

The Marxist Marksman



Are you absolutely certain that Paul Dacre
will be driving along this road, Mr Miliband?


***


Picture courtesy of Daily Mail



Saturday, 5 October 2013

SIW



Personally I don't believe it's hypocritical
to write a fawning begging letter to Mr Dacre
and then to publicly slag him off
when he doesn't give me a job.


***


Friday, 4 October 2013

Summertime Blues



The World Cup will be played in Qatar.
It will be played in summer.
It will be played on XBox with FIFA 14.


***

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

He Ain't Heavy He's My Dad



The reason that it falls to me, rather
than my brother, to defend our father is that
David doesn't read the Daily Mail.


***



Tuesday, 1 October 2013

The Dough Bringer



Do I use a breadmaker?
Several actually. They all work in the City.


***



Friday, 27 September 2013

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

BBC's New Series...



The Land Grabbers.

***


Update

cast info has been released:

Rachel Reeves as Nora the Snorer
Ed Balls as Fiscal O’Flatline 
Hilary Benn as  Daddy Flashback
Andy Burnham as Mad Doc Grabrail
Douglas Alexander as Goody McWee
Yvette Cooper as ’Er Indoors
Harriet Harman as ’Im Indoors
Chuka Umanna as Wiki The Lad 
Sadique Khan as Maybe The Mayor
Jim Murphy as Neville Chamberlain
Angela Eagle as Maria Eagle
Maria Eagle as Angela Eagle
Carline Flint as The Joker
Stephen Twigg as Shuffle The Fool
Liam Byrne as Workshy Nocashleft

with
Some Others No One Has Heard Of

and
introducing

Ed Miliband as Little Geek / Power Man
[quick changes in nearest conservatory]


***



Monday, 23 September 2013

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Eton Mess




I am delighted to welcome Paddy - it's
a confirmation of our Toff-on-Toff strategy.


***



Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Victory Salute



Save it, Manu, for when I win outright 
in May 2015.


***



Monday, 16 September 2013

Friday, 13 September 2013

Monday, 9 September 2013

Being Liberal With The Truth



In fact Rupert Murdoch was driving and he asked me to take
his points for him and I thought it was fairer if Vicky did.


***


                Punishment Fitting The Crime
                Pryceless


***