Friday 30 November 2012

Who Dares Gets Jailed




This is a 19mm Glock pistol.
One of the most powerful handguns in modern warfare.

Do you:

a). Use it to kill people.

b). Stick it on the wall.

Your choice.

Do you feel lucky, punk?


***

Thursday 29 November 2012

So, Let's Regulate



And, finally, each copy of my report includes a scratch card.
First Prize:
A day's work experience with Glenn Mulcaire.


***



Wednesday 28 November 2012

LOL!



He's a card is our Brian. The Report's
in the form of a tabloid complete
with cartoons and Texts Corner. 


***




Monday 26 November 2012

The Devil You Know



Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste.


***

He Looks Like Malcolm Tucker But He Hasn't Got His Charm



The new nick-name of the
Bank of England
is

The Old Lumberjack of Threadneedle Street.

***


Sunday 25 November 2012

Happy Families




Reasons to bar potential Foster Parents:

Drunks
Drug Addicts
Murderers
Paedophiles

UKIP Voters


***



Saturday 24 November 2012

Vote Winner



And can I just say "Thank you, Rotherham,
for the best free publicity that we at
UKIP could ever hope for.
[Even Michael Gove is rooting for us!]"


***



Thursday 22 November 2012

They Couldn't Get Pep Guardiola



Have to say the old place has taken a bit
of a battering since I last worked here.

                                                 Lord Tony Hall
                                                                 [on returning to the BBC]

***

Wednesday 21 November 2012

Managers R Us



Drug addiction
Drink Addiction
Tobacco Addiction
Gambling Addiction
Sex Addiction

I get.

But...

Manager Addiction...?


***

Bishop To GSV3 - Checkmate



And who needs a female version of me, anyway?


***

Tuesday 20 November 2012

Equality Control



Wisdom is the principal thing;
therefore get wisdom:
and with all thy getting get understanding.

But don't get
Women Bishops!
                                               Proverbs 4.   


***



So, Sally Can Wait



John always said my Latin would come in handy:

A-twit, a-twot, a-twut, a-twat
I'm off Twitter and that is that.


Sunday 18 November 2012

Dahlings - It's Diamonds!



You'd have thought the cheese
would have gone off by now.


***


Saturday 17 November 2012

Ballot Kept Secret



We've arrested this Polling Station
for wasting police time.


***



Friday 16 November 2012

Thursday 15 November 2012

Auntie's Prawn Crackers



China's ruling Communist Party has unveiled a new set of leaders.



[actual caption to this pic on BBC website]






Travis With My Auntie



Special Assignment:

Go to Bedfordshire.
Capture the Hairy Cornflake.


***

Tuesday 13 November 2012

Hanging By A Thread





has been re-christened

Noosenight


***




Tie-less In Gaza



I can't condemn George's payoff because
I'll be wanting the same when I
resign in a few weeks.


***



Monday 12 November 2012

Step Aside, Love



I have today asked ALL personnel
at the BBC to step aside.
Whilst they do so they will be involved in
a new reality TV show to be called

Strictly Come Lancing the Boil.

[for which they will be paid a hefty
and controversial bonus]


***



Sunday 11 November 2012

Here Is Some Of The News... [fill in the gaps yourself]



Due to shoddy journalism I have resigned as
Director General of the

British Bullshitting Corporation


***



see also:  Auntie's Charley

Saturday 10 November 2012

Cloak & Shagger




The Office of Covert Affairs

is now

The Office of Public Affairs



***





Friday 9 November 2012

Driller Pillar Of The Community



Women Priests, Same Sex Marriage and Gay Bishops?
Believe me, I am the perfect man to pour
oil on troubled waters.


***



Thursday 8 November 2012

This Is How It's Done, Auntie


You sure this isn't your Christmas list, Phillip?



***






***


Wednesday 7 November 2012

Women In Binders Say No


Mitt: still just a couple of letters short of
the full glove.


***



Tuesday 6 November 2012

Jungle Dummy



Posh Boys don't know the price of milk.

Mad Nad doesn't know the price of fame.


***

Sunday 4 November 2012

Baby Let Me Light Your Fire





You know I couldn't get much higher
                                     Jim Morrison




***



Thursday 1 November 2012

Toffs Put In Their Place




The Noes to the left 294.

The Plebs to the Right 307.

The Plebs have it. The Plebs have it.


***