Friday, 30 November 2012

Who Dares Gets Jailed

This is a 19mm Glock pistol.
One of the most powerful handguns in modern warfare.

Do you:

a). Use it to kill people.

b). Stick it on the wall.

Your choice.

Do you feel lucky, punk?


Thursday, 29 November 2012

So, Let's Regulate

And, finally, each copy of my report includes a scratch card.
First Prize:
A day's work experience with Glenn Mulcaire.


Wednesday, 28 November 2012


He's a card is our Brian. The Report's
in the form of a tabloid complete
with cartoons and Texts Corner. 


Monday, 26 November 2012

The Devil You Know

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste.


He Looks Like Malcolm Tucker But He Hasn't Got His Charm

The new nick-name of the
Bank of England

The Old Lumberjack of Threadneedle Street.


Sunday, 25 November 2012

Happy Families

Reasons to bar potential Foster Parents:

Drug Addicts

UKIP Voters


Saturday, 24 November 2012

Vote Winner

And can I just say "Thank you, Rotherham,
for the best free publicity that we at
UKIP could ever hope for.
[Even Michael Gove is rooting for us!]"


Thursday, 22 November 2012

They Couldn't Get Pep Guardiola

Have to say the old place has taken a bit
of a battering since I last worked here.

                                                 Lord Tony Hall
                                                                 [on returning to the BBC]


Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Managers R Us

Drug addiction
Drink Addiction
Tobacco Addiction
Gambling Addiction
Sex Addiction

I get.


Manager Addiction...?


Bishop To GSV3 - Checkmate

And who needs a female version of me, anyway?


Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Equality Control

Wisdom is the principal thing;
therefore get wisdom:
and with all thy getting get understanding.

But don't get
Women Bishops!
                                               Proverbs 4.   


So, Sally Can Wait

John always said my Latin would come in handy:

A-twit, a-twot, a-twut, a-twat
I'm off Twitter and that is that.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Dahlings - It's Diamonds!

You'd have thought the cheese
would have gone off by now.


Saturday, 17 November 2012

Ballot Kept Secret

We've arrested this Polling Station
for wasting police time.


Friday, 16 November 2012

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Auntie's Prawn Crackers

China's ruling Communist Party has unveiled a new set of leaders.

[actual caption to this pic on BBC website]

Travis With My Auntie

Special Assignment:

Go to Bedfordshire.
Capture the Hairy Cornflake.


Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Hanging By A Thread

has been re-christened



Tie-less In Gaza

I can't condemn George's payoff because
I'll be wanting the same when I
resign in a few weeks.


Monday, 12 November 2012

Step Aside, Love

I have today asked ALL personnel
at the BBC to step aside.
Whilst they do so they will be involved in
a new reality TV show to be called

Strictly Come Lancing the Boil.

[for which they will be paid a hefty
and controversial bonus]


Sunday, 11 November 2012

Here Is Some Of The News... [fill in the gaps yourself]

Due to shoddy journalism I have resigned as
Director General of the

British Bullshitting Corporation


see also:  Auntie's Charley

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Cloak & Shagger

The Office of Covert Affairs

is now

The Office of Public Affairs


Friday, 9 November 2012

Driller Pillar Of The Community

Women Priests, Same Sex Marriage and Gay Bishops?
Believe me, I am the perfect man to pour
oil on troubled waters.


Thursday, 8 November 2012

This Is How It's Done, Auntie

You sure this isn't your Christmas list, Phillip?



Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Women In Binders Say No

Mitt: still just a couple of letters short of
the full glove.


Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Jungle Dummy

Posh Boys don't know the price of milk.

Mad Nad doesn't know the price of fame.


Sunday, 4 November 2012

Baby Let Me Light Your Fire

You know I couldn't get much higher
                                     Jim Morrison


Thursday, 1 November 2012

Toffs Put In Their Place

The Noes to the left 294.

The Plebs to the Right 307.

The Plebs have it. The Plebs have it.