Monday 31 December 2012

Sunday 30 December 2012

Its An Old U.S. Custom




We're holding you on suspicion of
terrorising other long-distance athletes.


***


Saturday 29 December 2012

Thursday 27 December 2012

Dearly Deported



Muhammad Nazir:

The State always gets its pound of fish.


***





http://youtu.be/G_miGclPFGs

Monday 24 December 2012

Keep Digging



For the avoidance of doubt can I state for the record that the Met cannot be judged
by the actions of one corrupt officer... two corrupt officers... several corrupt officers...
the Met cannot be judged by the fact that it is an entirely corrupt force.


***


Saturday 22 December 2012

No Real Answers



NRA Spokesman:

OK. Here's the deal.

You let us put a real bullet in the Kinder Egg
and we'll put chocolate bullets in all our guns.


***


Friday 21 December 2012

Tactical Awareness



It's just like my government: all spin and own goals.


***




Thursday 20 December 2012

Wednesday 19 December 2012

Constabulary Duty




MITCHELL: Could you open the gate, please?

COP: Password...?

MITCHELL: Place.

COP: That's last week's.

MITCHELL: Er... Government...?

COP: Yesterday's.

MITCHELL: Oh, right. Plebs...?


***


Medium Or Message?



LIZ: Good morning, everyone. Shall I start us off?

Is there anybody there?


***

Tuesday 18 December 2012

The Very Long Arm Of The Law



I was proceeding down my street where I live on my day off when I heard a Tory ... a toff ... a cabinet minister say: “You f***ing idiot ... moron ... pleb” to a mate ... a cop ... a diplomatic protection officer in next door’s garden ... somewhere in London ... in Downing Street.
M’Lud.


***




Monday 17 December 2012

The Coalition Tightrope.



After five years as leader of the Liberal Democrats
Nick Clegg denied any notion that his support
was waning.

***

Friday 14 December 2012

One Nation Lost In Translation



Immigrants should learn English.
Here are some useful phrases to start them off:

a). Good morning. My name is Gillian Duffy.

b). Hello. Are you a bigoted woman?

c). How do you turn this microphone off?


***

Thursday 13 December 2012

What The Frack...?




Shale Gas is perfectly safe...

as long as you don't mine it.


***


Tuesday 11 December 2012

Monday 10 December 2012

Minted





Manchester City's answer to United's domination
has always been to throw money at it.


***

Sunday 9 December 2012

Boldly Gone



One extra star in the sky tonight.


***

Saturday 8 December 2012

Friday 7 December 2012

Good Call...



What say this time we pretend to be
the Samaritans?


***

Fairtrade, Fair Tax?



We woke up and smelt the boycott.


***


update: Costalottacustomers

Wednesday 5 December 2012

Little Doesn't Help



We really don't understand why our

Weight Watchers Brand

hasn't sold well in the U.S.


***



Monday 3 December 2012

England Expects...





The paparazzi better bloody behave themselves
or we'll set

Lord Justice Leveson

onto them.


***


Sunday 2 December 2012

Tax-less In Seattle



We're moving from Tall Skinny Latte Tax

to

Grande Chocolate Cream Frappuccino® with Extra Double Whipped Tax.


We listen to our customers.

Especially when they're leaving us in protest.


***

Saturday 1 December 2012

'Phone Haka





Fleet Street editors react to Leveson's call for a
new press watchdog.


***

Friday 30 November 2012

Who Dares Gets Jailed




This is a 19mm Glock pistol.
One of the most powerful handguns in modern warfare.

Do you:

a). Use it to kill people.

b). Stick it on the wall.

Your choice.

Do you feel lucky, punk?


***

Thursday 29 November 2012

So, Let's Regulate



And, finally, each copy of my report includes a scratch card.
First Prize:
A day's work experience with Glenn Mulcaire.


***



Wednesday 28 November 2012

LOL!



He's a card is our Brian. The Report's
in the form of a tabloid complete
with cartoons and Texts Corner. 


***




Monday 26 November 2012

The Devil You Know



Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste.


***

He Looks Like Malcolm Tucker But He Hasn't Got His Charm



The new nick-name of the
Bank of England
is

The Old Lumberjack of Threadneedle Street.

***


Sunday 25 November 2012

Happy Families




Reasons to bar potential Foster Parents:

Drunks
Drug Addicts
Murderers
Paedophiles

UKIP Voters


***



Saturday 24 November 2012

Vote Winner



And can I just say "Thank you, Rotherham,
for the best free publicity that we at
UKIP could ever hope for.
[Even Michael Gove is rooting for us!]"


***



Thursday 22 November 2012

They Couldn't Get Pep Guardiola



Have to say the old place has taken a bit
of a battering since I last worked here.

                                                 Lord Tony Hall
                                                                 [on returning to the BBC]

***

Wednesday 21 November 2012

Managers R Us



Drug addiction
Drink Addiction
Tobacco Addiction
Gambling Addiction
Sex Addiction

I get.

But...

Manager Addiction...?


***

Bishop To GSV3 - Checkmate



And who needs a female version of me, anyway?


***

Tuesday 20 November 2012

Equality Control



Wisdom is the principal thing;
therefore get wisdom:
and with all thy getting get understanding.

But don't get
Women Bishops!
                                               Proverbs 4.   


***



So, Sally Can Wait



John always said my Latin would come in handy:

A-twit, a-twot, a-twut, a-twat
I'm off Twitter and that is that.


Sunday 18 November 2012

Dahlings - It's Diamonds!



You'd have thought the cheese
would have gone off by now.


***


Saturday 17 November 2012

Ballot Kept Secret



We've arrested this Polling Station
for wasting police time.


***



Friday 16 November 2012

Thursday 15 November 2012

Auntie's Prawn Crackers



China's ruling Communist Party has unveiled a new set of leaders.



[actual caption to this pic on BBC website]






Travis With My Auntie



Special Assignment:

Go to Bedfordshire.
Capture the Hairy Cornflake.


***

Tuesday 13 November 2012