Monday, 31 May 2010

Hello/Goodbye Folks!

I've attached a resignation letter to my
acceptance letter just in case.


Sunday, 30 May 2010

Saturday, 29 May 2010

One Laws For Us...

And can we just make perfectly clear,
Sir Gus, that we don't share a bank account
or even socialise together so
for all intents and purposes we cannot
be considered partners.


Friday, 28 May 2010

New Rules, Old Laws

Sooo... you've be two-timing me, have you David?


Elevation Of A Cocktail Sausage

You know me - I'm a Socialist: I hate the
House of Lords.
It's full of twats like me.


Spinning In His Grave

I used to have the Government in the palm
of my hand.
These days this is the best I can do.


Thursday, 27 May 2010

Scotland The Brave

Frankly, my ex-cleaner deserves to go to jail - she never polished the silver properly
and always served the Champagne
from the wrong side.



Ed & Shoulders

You see? I do have friends.


Cable And Cleggless

I'm resigning as Deputy Leader
so that I can spend more time...
on my own.


Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Freedom Of [Queen's] Speech

Look, Ed Balls agrees with me so I must be right.



Pomp And Special Circumstance

My Government.... sorry, could you run
that past me again:
exactly who is my government?


Monday, 24 May 2010

Money-Making Schemer

OK. Plan B: sell timeshares in
Buck Palace.


Laws Unto Themselves

LAWS: These cuts are necessary and fair.

OSBORNE: Apart from the biggest - in
Cable's Department:
we just don't like him.


Sunday, 23 May 2010

On [Mixed] Message

I am proud to have worked with Gordon Brown for the last 13 years.
I told him he was wrong on Iraq, though.
Which means I can't be proud about that.
So what part of "proud" don't I understand?


Friday, 21 May 2010

No Short Selling

SARKOZY: Hey, High Five, Camo!

CAMERON: Sorry - I can't do public skin-touching.
Nick will get jealous.


In Step?

CLEGG: Is Cable still following us?

CAMERON: Yes. Ignore him. He'll get the message eventually.


Thursday, 20 May 2010

What Will They Bring To The Party...?

White, middle-aged male  :  a wife


White, middle-aged male  :  a brother

White, middle-aged male  :  a banana

White, middle-aged male  :  some comrades

White, middle-aged male  :  some friends*

Black, middle-aged female  :  a Portillo**

* all of the above, apparently

** white, middle-aged male


The Battle For Labour's Soul

John McDonnell  =  Left Labour
David Miliband  =  Next Labour
Ed Miliband  =  Future Labour
Andy Burnham  =  Fresh Labour
Diane Abbott  =  Fair Labour
Ed Balls  =  Fucked Labour


Wednesday, 19 May 2010

And Poor Old Goebbels...

BALLS: And when I grow up I want to be
leader of the Labour Party.
As you see - I have the credentials.


Human Rights

I sentence you to be taken from here to a
place of execution
where you will execute
as many innocent civilians as you can
whilst blowing yourself up.


Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Back Down To Earth

I thank the House for re-electing me as Speaker.
And I would like to take this opportunity
to announce that the
Health & Safety Executive
has cleared me of any involvement
in the accident involving a
light aircraft
in my Buckingham constituency.


Monday, 17 May 2010

Speaker Cornered?

Honourable Members: the reason you should retain
me as Speaker is quite simply
you would have no-one to take the
piss out of if you elected someone else.


Another Kick In The Ballots

And I think one thing is clear from
this latest court ruling:
we don't have a fucking clue what we're doing.


Together... We Will Make Our Plans

LAWS: No, Liam Byrne's "No money left" note
didn't faze us.

OSBORNE: We assumed he was talking about
the Labour Party.


Byrne Out

My letter to my successor was a joke.
Much the same as my time as
Chief Secretary to the Treasury.


link:  Byrne Out


Expenses Scandal Fall-out

Some MPs have expressed disquiet at the new
arrangements for overnight accommodation
for those in far-flung constituencies.


link:  Expenses Fall-out

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Clogging Clegg

I abstained in the coalition vote
because the Liberal Democrats need
to be taken seriously as a party
and I need to be taken seriously
as a politician.


Saturday, 15 May 2010

Miliband Of Brothers

MILI MAJOR: You're standing against me just to spite me, aren't you?

MILI MINOR: Well you stole my banana so now it's pay back time.


link:  Miliband of Brothers


Friday, 14 May 2010

Toil & Trouble

CAMERON: I have travelled to Scotland and may
I say that I have profound respect for
the cold, the haggis
and the deep-fried Mars bars.


Thursday, 13 May 2010

Wedded Bliss

Ceremony complete.
Full consummation will come when he screws me the first time.


Electoral Reform

Vote Cameron Get Clegg.
Vote Clegg Get Cameron.
Vote Brown Get Stuffed.


Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Marry In Haste...

CAMERON: Of course it's a proper marriage.
Presents please through the John Lewis List.


The Re-Group Strategy

New Labour is dead.
Long live...
er... Old Labour?
New Old Labour...?
No? Er... anything?
Party Faithful Bigots...?


Reality Dawns

CAMERON: You were right, Nick.
I do have a habit of allying myself with nutters.


Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Happy Man Be His Dole, Say I [Henry 1Vth pt one]

And it falls to me to announce that
the jobless figures have just
increased by one.


Who Needs Votes?

CAMPBELL:  Why didn't the Party like our deal on electoral reform?

MANDELSON:  Search me. Having a completely unelected parliament
seems perfectly reasonable.


When The Goving Gets Tough...

The reason that you have me as the bright,
fresh-faced, positive and generous-sounding
spokesman for the Conservatives at this time
is because I am David's fag.


Monday, 10 May 2010


I saved the world - and they still
buried me.


Leadership Bid

Must practice my Gordon Brown face.


Sunday, 9 May 2010

New Politics

CAMERON: No, we haven't reached final agreement
but we did share a spliff together.


Saturday, 8 May 2010

The Phoney War

Damn. I thought I was on the 'phone to Cameron -
turned out to be Clegg.
I'm always getting them mixed up.


A Clear Cut Hung Parliament

BROWN: You cannot decide who won an election on seats,
or on percentage of votes.
You have to take into account how many gaffes were made
during the campaign
So. I win.


Friday, 7 May 2010

Who'll Be Getting The Brush-Off?

The Prime Minister would like to know
whether you're up for forming
a coalition.