Monday 31 May 2010

Hello/Goodbye Folks!


I've attached a resignation letter to my
acceptance letter just in case.


***


Sunday 30 May 2010

Saturday 29 May 2010

One Laws For Us...


And can we just make perfectly clear,
Sir Gus, that we don't share a bank account
or even socialise together so
for all intents and purposes we cannot
be considered partners.


***

Friday 28 May 2010

New Rules, Old Laws


Sooo... you've be two-timing me, have you David?


***


Elevation Of A Cocktail Sausage


You know me - I'm a Socialist: I hate the
House of Lords.
It's full of twats like me.


***


Spinning In His Grave


I used to have the Government in the palm
of my hand.
These days this is the best I can do.


***


Thursday 27 May 2010

Scotland The Brave


Frankly, my ex-cleaner deserves to go to jail - she never polished the silver properly
and always served the Champagne
from the wrong side.


***


*


Ed & Shoulders


You see? I do have friends.


***


Cable And Cleggless


I'm resigning as Deputy Leader
so that I can spend more time...
on my own.


***



Wednesday 26 May 2010

Tuesday 25 May 2010

Freedom Of [Queen's] Speech


Look, Ed Balls agrees with me so I must be right.


***


*


Pomp And Special Circumstance


My Government.... sorry, could you run
that past me again:
exactly who is my government?


***


Monday 24 May 2010

Money-Making Schemer


OK. Plan B: sell timeshares in
Buck Palace.


***


Laws Unto Themselves


LAWS: These cuts are necessary and fair.

OSBORNE: Apart from the biggest - in
Cable's Department:
we just don't like him.


***


Sunday 23 May 2010

On [Mixed] Message


I am proud to have worked with Gordon Brown for the last 13 years.
I told him he was wrong on Iraq, though.
Which means I can't be proud about that.
So what part of "proud" don't I understand?


***

Friday 21 May 2010

No Short Selling


SARKOZY: Hey, High Five, Camo!

CAMERON: Sorry - I can't do public skin-touching.
Nick will get jealous.


***

In Step?


CLEGG: Is Cable still following us?

CAMERON: Yes. Ignore him. He'll get the message eventually.


***


Thursday 20 May 2010

What Will They Bring To The Party...?


White, middle-aged male  :  a wife



 

White, middle-aged male  :  a brother




White, middle-aged male  :  a banana





White, middle-aged male  :  some comrades




White, middle-aged male  :  some friends*




Black, middle-aged female  :  a Portillo**



* all of the above, apparently

** white, middle-aged male


***

The Battle For Labour's Soul




John McDonnell  =  Left Labour
David Miliband  =  Next Labour
Ed Miliband  =  Future Labour
Andy Burnham  =  Fresh Labour
Diane Abbott  =  Fair Labour
Ed Balls  =  Fucked Labour


***


Wednesday 19 May 2010

And Poor Old Goebbels...


BALLS: And when I grow up I want to be
leader of the Labour Party.
As you see - I have the credentials.

***


Human Rights


I sentence you to be taken from here to a
place of execution
where you will execute
as many innocent civilians as you can
whilst blowing yourself up.


***

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Back Down To Earth


I thank the House for re-electing me as Speaker.
And I would like to take this opportunity
to announce that the
Health & Safety Executive
has cleared me of any involvement
in the accident involving a
light aircraft
in my Buckingham constituency.


***


Monday 17 May 2010

Speaker Cornered?


Honourable Members: the reason you should retain
me as Speaker is quite simply
you would have no-one to take the
piss out of if you elected someone else.


***


Another Kick In The Ballots


And I think one thing is clear from
this latest court ruling:
we don't have a fucking clue what we're doing.


***

Together... We Will Make Our Plans


LAWS: No, Liam Byrne's "No money left" note
didn't faze us.

OSBORNE: We assumed he was talking about
the Labour Party.


***


Byrne Out


My letter to my successor was a joke.
Much the same as my time as
Chief Secretary to the Treasury.


***


link:  Byrne Out


*

Expenses Scandal Fall-out


Some MPs have expressed disquiet at the new
arrangements for overnight accommodation
for those in far-flung constituencies.


***


link:  Expenses Fall-out

Sunday 16 May 2010

Clogging Clegg


I abstained in the coalition vote
because the Liberal Democrats need
to be taken seriously as a party
and I need to be taken seriously
as a politician.
Hic.


***


Saturday 15 May 2010

Miliband Of Brothers


MILI MAJOR: You're standing against me just to spite me, aren't you?

MILI MINOR: Well you stole my banana so now it's pay back time.

***


link:  Miliband of Brothers


*


Friday 14 May 2010

Toil & Trouble


CAMERON: I have travelled to Scotland and may
I say that I have profound respect for
the cold, the haggis
and the deep-fried Mars bars.


***


Thursday 13 May 2010

Wedded Bliss


Ceremony complete.
Full consummation will come when he screws me the first time.


***

Electoral Reform


Vote Cameron Get Clegg.
Vote Clegg Get Cameron.
Vote Brown Get Stuffed.


***


Wednesday 12 May 2010

Marry In Haste...


CAMERON: Of course it's a proper marriage.
Presents please through the John Lewis List.


***


The Re-Group Strategy


New Labour is dead.
Long live...
er... Old Labour?
New Old Labour...?
Labour...?
Socialism...?
No? Er... anything?
Party Faithful Bigots...?


***


Reality Dawns


CAMERON: You were right, Nick.
I do have a habit of allying myself with nutters.


***


Tuesday 11 May 2010

Happy Man Be His Dole, Say I [Henry 1Vth pt one]


And it falls to me to announce that
the jobless figures have just
increased by one.


***

Who Needs Votes?


CAMPBELL:  Why didn't the Party like our deal on electoral reform?

MANDELSON:  Search me. Having a completely unelected parliament
seems perfectly reasonable.


***

When The Goving Gets Tough...


The reason that you have me as the bright,
fresh-faced, positive and generous-sounding
spokesman for the Conservatives at this time
is because I am David's fag.


***



Monday 10 May 2010

R.I.P.


I saved the world - and they still
buried me.


***


Leadership Bid




Must practice my Gordon Brown face.

***


Sunday 9 May 2010

New Politics


CAMERON: No, we haven't reached final agreement
but we did share a spliff together.


***

Saturday 8 May 2010

The Phoney War


Damn. I thought I was on the 'phone to Cameron -
turned out to be Clegg.
I'm always getting them mixed up.


***


A Clear Cut Hung Parliament


BROWN: You cannot decide who won an election on seats,
or on percentage of votes.
You have to take into account how many gaffes were made
during the campaign
So. I win.


***


Friday 7 May 2010

Who'll Be Getting The Brush-Off?


The Prime Minister would like to know
whether you're up for forming
a coalition.


***