Thursday 31 December 2009

2009: Picture Of The Year


"I told you I didn't want to be seen with you again."


"Oh. Sorry, Damian".


***

Quo's New Status



ROSSI:  OBE? Not bad on just three chords, eh Rick?

PARFITT:  I'm so old I've forgotten two of them.


***


*

Well done lads - fully deserved.

Question: Why does Patrick Stewart get a Kighthood and Quo get OBE?

*

Wednesday 30 December 2009

Undercover Agents



STEWARDESS: Excuse me sir, are you carrying a bomb?

UMAR FAROUK ABDULMUTALLAB: Certainly not!

DUTCH PASSENGER: Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!


***


Tuesday 29 December 2009

Ass Pleads For Mule



TRANSLATOR: ...and if we are prepared to
excute a mad drug mule
what chance was there that we would listen to
the Mad Prime Minister
of Great Britain?


***


*

Tuesday 22 December 2009

99 Shopping Days To The Election?



GORDON: Shall I stuff the Turkey, dear?

SARAH: You've had plenty of practice
stuffing the country.


***


Sunday 20 December 2009

Political Climate Change





You didn't think we were serious when we said:
"Copenhagen is the World's last chance"
did you?
We meant -
Last Chance before Christmas.


***


Friday 18 December 2009

Boomerang Effect



OK, listen everyone:
if you're going to start throwing the mobiles
back at me - I'm ready.


***


Monday 14 December 2009

Sarah's Phone Bills



The reason why I made lengthy calls to
Gil in Canterbury at tax-payers' expense
is because
Gordon had thrown my mobile
at somebody.


***



*

Friday 11 December 2009

Brown's See-Through Transparency



It's not a Summerhouse:
it's a building in the garden.

And it's not a deficit:
it's a set of figures that demonstrate my
Fiscal Prudence.


***


*

Thursday 10 December 2009

What A Balls-Up



Give it here!
If I have to pay the expenses back
I'm taking the
Sponsored Ball
with me as well.


***



Wednesday 9 December 2009

Deckchairs



BROWN: Did you mention the cuts?

DARLING: No, I forgot.

BROWN: No worries.


***


Tuesday 8 December 2009

Hot Debate



And the award for
"Most Innovative Idea To Combat Global Warming"
goes to...
Gordon Brown of the UK.
For:
Heathrow - Third Runway.


***


Friday 4 December 2009

Star Quality



Just walk away, Renee
You won't see me in a Witherspoons


***


*

Thursday 3 December 2009

Post Early For...



Two years late?
Well don't blame me - blame The Postman.



***


Una Paloma Wanka



Gordon, Spain is NOT in the G20.

Oh, right.
When did it leave?


***


...And Into The Fire Hydrant



"Fore!"

[I think three's quite enough, Mr Woods]


***

Update:

[Ten...???!!! You definitely won't make the cut now, Mr Woods.]


Monday 30 November 2009

Out Of The Woods...



OK, Elin, you're not my caddy,
you don't want to be my caddy,
and I do know where to stick that
golf club
you're weilding.


***


Sunday 29 November 2009

Once A Dalek...



"I've moved on since my CND days"
says
Baroness Ashton of Upholland
[and UpEurope]


***


*

Friday 27 November 2009

Putting UK First



The Americans have undertaken not to put
McKinnon
in a supermax prison.
They'll put him in
Guantanamo
instead.


***

link:  UK First

*

The Postman Always Rings Twice 2




You know me - I'm a man of tradition.
And we traditionally
kow-tow
to the United States


***


*

Wednesday 25 November 2009

Banking On It



And our new tariff of charges will be for
money you have lent us
to bail us out.


***


link:  Banking On IT

*

Tuesday 24 November 2009

With Friends Like Me...



Piers, you ask if I gave my
full support
to Tony for EU President.
Well of course I did.
I really, really did.
I even sent every leader a hand-written letter.
It's not my fault if they couldn't decipher it, is it?


***

*

Monday 23 November 2009

Speaker Cornered



In the interests of complete transparency
I can confirm that the only degree
Sally got at Oxford was
the third degree
for hiring a male stripper.
That's the long and short of it.


***

link: Speaker Cornered

*

Saturday 21 November 2009

The Nightmare Scenario



I admit that I strangled the
British Economy
but I was asleep at the time,
having a nightmare.


***

Friday 20 November 2009

Brussels Sprout



Seeing as you asked I have about
this much charisma.


***

Thursday 19 November 2009

Due Care And Attention



I'm Harriett Harman. You know where
you can get me:
in court.


***

Wednesday 18 November 2009

Supporting My Hero



Better to be safe than sorry: I thought I'd bring
Gordon's pill box
along with me for the
Queen's Speech.


***

Queen's Election Broadcast





"...and due to my discredited government with
its lame duck-house Prime Ditherer
I'm sorry to have to tell you that this pantomime
will continue for another few months yet".


***

Monday 16 November 2009

Hardest Word



I will be apologising to
British Child Migrants
next year.
You know me: it takes at least a couple of months
to psych myself up to make any kind of apology.


***

Saturday 14 November 2009

Bank Reform




Longer Name.
Longer Queues.


***

Thursday 12 November 2009

Correspondence Champion



And the "Better Letter Masterclass" here at the
Department for Business, Innovation and Skills
will be led by G. Brown.

***

Tuesday 10 November 2009

Everything He Touches...



Who needs The Sun?
I'm quite capable of losing the election on my own.


***






Checkpoint Charlie...?




ANGELA: I grew up in East Berlin, you know. Couldn't wait to get over the wall.

GORDON: Count your blessings. I grew up in East Fife. Couldn't wait to get over the border.


***

Monday 9 November 2009

Enough Rope



Everybody knows that Gordon was not being
disrepectful in his letter.
He's just a bit of a twat, that's all.


***

Friday 6 November 2009

He Dithers Not



I cannot, must not, will not walk away from Afghanistan.
I'll let Cameron do that after next May.


***

Thursday 5 November 2009

Fall Guy



You can come out now, Gordon.
The bonfire's gone out and Peter and the rest have left.


***

Wednesday 4 November 2009

Another Spliff Over Europe



Everybody knows I would love to have a
reeferendum.
But it's against the law.


***

Tuesday 3 November 2009

Brown's Moran Compass



Some people may find it strange that I have a house in Southampton.
But who the fuck wants to live in Luton?


***

Bonfire Of The Vanities




And for my next trick - I'm going to save The World, The Universe, Infinity...
and Beyond!


***

The Postman Always Rings Twice



OK. So we might have got immigration policy wrong.
We probably got a lot of things wrong.
Like thinking Gordon could be a good Prime Minister.


***

Leadership Bid



I don't pretend to be a scientist.
I do pretend I can do Tai Kwon Do.


***

Tuesday 20 October 2009

The Littlest Englander



And another thing: we will ban
Liquorice Allsorts.


***

Sunday 18 October 2009

Decent Journalism: RIP



Moir: I'm not homophobic. I just hate queers.


***

Friday 16 October 2009

The Guido Effect



Nothing does it profit a man to sell his soul for the world.
But for Staines...?


***

Wednesday 14 October 2009

Bitter End


We have a programme for government: it's
called "Postman Pat".


***

Tuesday 13 October 2009

£12,415


A price worth paying to hopefully save
my unemployment.


***

Gagging For It

What The Fuck?

***

Jacqui Apologises to the House



Richard: Which house did you apologise to, Jacqui - Redditch or London?



***