Thursday, 31 December 2009

2009: Picture Of The Year

"I told you I didn't want to be seen with you again."

"Oh. Sorry, Damian".


Quo's New Status

ROSSI:  OBE? Not bad on just three chords, eh Rick?

PARFITT:  I'm so old I've forgotten two of them.



Well done lads - fully deserved.

Question: Why does Patrick Stewart get a Kighthood and Quo get OBE?


Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Undercover Agents

STEWARDESS: Excuse me sir, are you carrying a bomb?


DUTCH PASSENGER: Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!


Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Ass Pleads For Mule

TRANSLATOR: ...and if we are prepared to
excute a mad drug mule
what chance was there that we would listen to
the Mad Prime Minister
of Great Britain?



Tuesday, 22 December 2009

99 Shopping Days To The Election?

GORDON: Shall I stuff the Turkey, dear?

SARAH: You've had plenty of practice
stuffing the country.


Sunday, 20 December 2009

Political Climate Change

You didn't think we were serious when we said:
"Copenhagen is the World's last chance"
did you?
We meant -
Last Chance before Christmas.


Friday, 18 December 2009

Boomerang Effect

OK, listen everyone:
if you're going to start throwing the mobiles
back at me - I'm ready.


Monday, 14 December 2009

Sarah's Phone Bills

The reason why I made lengthy calls to
Gil in Canterbury at tax-payers' expense
is because
Gordon had thrown my mobile
at somebody.



Friday, 11 December 2009

Brown's See-Through Transparency

It's not a Summerhouse:
it's a building in the garden.

And it's not a deficit:
it's a set of figures that demonstrate my
Fiscal Prudence.



Thursday, 10 December 2009

What A Balls-Up

Give it here!
If I have to pay the expenses back
I'm taking the
Sponsored Ball
with me as well.


Wednesday, 9 December 2009


BROWN: Did you mention the cuts?

DARLING: No, I forgot.

BROWN: No worries.


Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Hot Debate

And the award for
"Most Innovative Idea To Combat Global Warming"
goes to...
Gordon Brown of the UK.
Heathrow - Third Runway.


Friday, 4 December 2009

Star Quality

Just walk away, Renee
You won't see me in a Witherspoons



Thursday, 3 December 2009

Post Early For...

Two years late?
Well don't blame me - blame The Postman.


Una Paloma Wanka

Gordon, Spain is NOT in the G20.

Oh, right.
When did it leave?


...And Into The Fire Hydrant


[I think three's quite enough, Mr Woods]



[Ten...???!!! You definitely won't make the cut now, Mr Woods.]

Monday, 30 November 2009

Out Of The Woods...

OK, Elin, you're not my caddy,
you don't want to be my caddy,
and I do know where to stick that
golf club
you're weilding.


Sunday, 29 November 2009

Once A Dalek...

"I've moved on since my CND days"
Baroness Ashton of Upholland
[and UpEurope]



Friday, 27 November 2009

Putting UK First

The Americans have undertaken not to put
in a supermax prison.
They'll put him in


link:  UK First


The Postman Always Rings Twice 2

You know me - I'm a man of tradition.
And we traditionally
to the United States



Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Banking On It

And our new tariff of charges will be for
money you have lent us
to bail us out.


link:  Banking On IT


Tuesday, 24 November 2009

With Friends Like Me...

Piers, you ask if I gave my
full support
to Tony for EU President.
Well of course I did.
I really, really did.
I even sent every leader a hand-written letter.
It's not my fault if they couldn't decipher it, is it?



Monday, 23 November 2009

Speaker Cornered

In the interests of complete transparency
I can confirm that the only degree
Sally got at Oxford was
the third degree
for hiring a male stripper.
That's the long and short of it.


link: Speaker Cornered


Saturday, 21 November 2009

The Nightmare Scenario

I admit that I strangled the
British Economy
but I was asleep at the time,
having a nightmare.


Friday, 20 November 2009

Brussels Sprout

Seeing as you asked I have about
this much charisma.


Thursday, 19 November 2009

Due Care And Attention

I'm Harriett Harman. You know where
you can get me:
in court.


Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Supporting My Hero

Better to be safe than sorry: I thought I'd bring
Gordon's pill box
along with me for the
Queen's Speech.


Queen's Election Broadcast

"...and due to my discredited government with
its lame duck-house Prime Ditherer
I'm sorry to have to tell you that this pantomime
will continue for another few months yet".


Monday, 16 November 2009

Hardest Word

I will be apologising to
British Child Migrants
next year.
You know me: it takes at least a couple of months
to psych myself up to make any kind of apology.


Saturday, 14 November 2009

Bank Reform

Longer Name.
Longer Queues.


Thursday, 12 November 2009

Correspondence Champion

And the "Better Letter Masterclass" here at the
Department for Business, Innovation and Skills
will be led by G. Brown.


Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Everything He Touches...

Who needs The Sun?
I'm quite capable of losing the election on my own.


Checkpoint Charlie...?

ANGELA: I grew up in East Berlin, you know. Couldn't wait to get over the wall.

GORDON: Count your blessings. I grew up in East Fife. Couldn't wait to get over the border.


Monday, 9 November 2009

Enough Rope

Everybody knows that Gordon was not being
disrepectful in his letter.
He's just a bit of a twat, that's all.


Friday, 6 November 2009

He Dithers Not

I cannot, must not, will not walk away from Afghanistan.
I'll let Cameron do that after next May.


Thursday, 5 November 2009

Fall Guy

You can come out now, Gordon.
The bonfire's gone out and Peter and the rest have left.


Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Another Spliff Over Europe

Everybody knows I would love to have a
But it's against the law.


Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Brown's Moran Compass

Some people may find it strange that I have a house in Southampton.
But who the fuck wants to live in Luton?


Bonfire Of The Vanities

And for my next trick - I'm going to save The World, The Universe, Infinity...
and Beyond!


The Postman Always Rings Twice

OK. So we might have got immigration policy wrong.
We probably got a lot of things wrong.
Like thinking Gordon could be a good Prime Minister.


Leadership Bid

I don't pretend to be a scientist.
I do pretend I can do Tai Kwon Do.


Tuesday, 20 October 2009

The Littlest Englander

And another thing: we will ban
Liquorice Allsorts.


Sunday, 18 October 2009

Decent Journalism: RIP

Moir: I'm not homophobic. I just hate queers.


Friday, 16 October 2009

The Guido Effect

Nothing does it profit a man to sell his soul for the world.
But for Staines...?


Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Bitter End

We have a programme for government: it's
called "Postman Pat".


Tuesday, 13 October 2009


A price worth paying to hopefully save
my unemployment.


Gagging For It

What The Fuck?


Jacqui Apologises to the House

Richard: Which house did you apologise to, Jacqui - Redditch or London?