The Old Ones Are The Best

Still not

Out Of Time.

***

Let Them Eat Burgers

Scrumptious. Austerity fries with a

Bullingdon Burger.

***

The Mitchell Effect

You know you'll have to take it through the

side gate when you leave.

***

Institutional Camouflage

Neville, do you think this guy's an

undercover racist?

***

The Prism Effect

Iceland clearly has its own fair share of mountains

so why would it want to poach

Snowden as well?

***

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

And the most surprising thing about the whole

Edward Snowden episode is the revelation that

cheesemakers make cheese.

***

Soul Mates

...then I called him Jeffrey again and his

bottom lip began to quiver - I thought he

was going to burst into tears!

***

The Physical Impossibility Of Death...

....and Charles strangles.

***

G8 Mates

I appreciate your input, Vlad, but I'm not sure

an arm-wrestle is the right way to solve

the Syrian crisis.

***

Deng-Dong - Seconds Out!

WMD?

***

Close To The Sun

Frankly, me having an affair with Wendi Deng is

about as likely as, say, an affair between

Rebekah Brooks and Andy C...

***

Democracy At Work

Ed Miliband plays politics on Europe.


***

Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Google No Evil

Our mantra is

Do No Evil.

Just facilitate evil for others.

***

What Me, Guv?

I was only trying to protect the interests of the

Green Lobby.

What do you mean "Tim Yeo is the Green Lobby"?

***

Publish And Be... Rich

We take our responsibilities as a publisher seriously:

Through Google you can find some

serious child pornography.

***

Ed's Big Week

Some people say I only listen to Ed Balls.

Others say I only listen to the Unions.

Others again say I only listen to my Dad from up above

[God rest his soul].

The truth is I am my own man.

I only listen to Willy Wonka.

***

The Bilderberg Effect

For the avoidance of doubt we are NOT

appearing at

The Grove, Watford

this week.

***

Magic

It will be a flexible cap and I will

raise it and lower it just like this.

***

Speaking Human

I'm as camp as a Great Big Tent.

***

Editors' Notes

Dear Cools,

How I miss those country suppers.

Dear Reds,

How I miss the horse.

Dear Both,

Just fuck the fuck off, will you?

***

Headline Grabbers

Back in the day at The News Of The World

we were Old School.

If it shagged we nailed it.

***

Lobby Fodder

Nothing doth it profit a man to sell his soul

for the whole world.

But for Fiji...?!

***

Positive Role Model

Ashley's promised not to swear at, spew over,

shoot or shag anyone for a day

so I've made him captain.

***

Postcard

I've come to Europe to get away from it all.

***

The Pop-Eyed Eurocrats

The ban on Olive Oil Jugs is reversed but

keeping spinach under your shirt definitely

contravenes EU Regulations.

***

Another Door Closes

Whisky A-Gone-Gone.

***

Trend It Like Beckham

My legacy is pants.

***

Groucho Speaks

I could never support a Private Members Bill

that would allow me to be a member of it.

***

Where's He Put His Didgeridoo?

I'm not fussy - tie me kangaroo down, sport.

***

Legacy

The Munchkins at no. 2 is a satire on ME...?

You turn in your grave if you want to...

***

'Bye 'Bye Banana Man

This is a banana.

My brother is a banana skin waiting to happen.

So - I'm out.

***

Press Deregulation

The Standard apologises unreservedly for

leaking its budget proposals

to the Chancellor

in time for him to include them in his speech.

***

Fudge Actually

FREE!

With your favourite Tabloid!

***

North East West Sellout?

Hacked Off Pissed Off

'cos Cameron

Fucked Off.

***

Papacying Over The Cracks

Don't worry, luv. I'll be welcoming the whole world

into my flock - except

those black sheep in the Malvinas.

***

She's No Evita

Don't cry for us dear Christina

The truth is we never liked you

All through those war days

Our mad existence

We kept our promise: 

Just keep your distance.

***

Adapted from Don't Cry For Me Argentina, lyrics Tim Rice, music Andrew Lloyd Webber [from the musical Evita].

No Argie-Bargie

When I find out who the THREE were

I'll have their friggin' heads.

***

Back Together, Kind Of

What therefore God hath joined together, let not
your Man

put asunder.

Mark 10.9.                                    .

***

Punishment Fitting The Crime

And the most suitable punishment that this court

can impose is that you should

share a cell together for six months.

***

From Gerrards Cross to Malmö

Total Eclipse of the Art.

***

Passing resemblance between Believe in Me and Cher's Believe ?

Go Compare:

What's In A Name?

Labour:  Bedroom Tax

Conservative:  Spare Room Subsidy

UKIP:  Immigrant Benefit Freebie

***

Better Never Than Late

"Justin Bieber has entered the building".

***

Been There, Done That...

Keep Calm 

and

Boycott Amazon

***

link: ...Got The T Shirt

No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

I told you it would work, Mike.

Now all we have to do is leak and invent as much

Lib-Dem scandal as possible just before the next election.

***

One Man Went To Moan

It was a massive mistake to call me interim manager.

They should have called me interim scapegoat.

***

See also:  Managers R Us.

Scraping The Barrel

Damn. I thought the New Statesman was Tory.

***

A Touching Apology

I'm sorry

He's dodgy

I'm sorry

He's horny

I'm sorry

He's beastly

I'm sorry

'Bout Eastleigh

***

There's The Rub

We're Liberal-Democrats.

We flirt with voters, we flirt with Labour, we flirt with power.

Frottage is in our DNA.

***