Tie-less In Gaza

I can't condemn George's payoff because

I'll be wanting the same when I

resign in a few weeks.

***

link:  The Great Deliverer.

see also: Step Aside, Love; Here Is Some Of The News; Auntie's Charley.

Step Aside, Love

I have today asked ALL personnel

at the BBC to step aside.

Whilst they do so they will be involved in

a new reality TV show to be called

Strictly Come Lancing the Boil.

[for which they will be paid a hefty

and controversial bonus]

***

Here Is Some Of The News... [fill in the gaps yourself]

Due to shoddy journalism I have resigned as

Director General of the

British Bullshitting Corporation

***

link: A Patten of Behaviour

see also:  Auntie's Charley

Cloak & Shagger

The Office of Covert Affairs

is now

The Office of Public Affairs

***

Driller Pillar Of The Community

Women Priests, Same Sex Marriage and Gay Bishops?

Believe me, I am the perfect man to pour

oil on troubled waters.

***

This Is How It's Done, Auntie

You sure this isn't your Christmas list, Phillip?



***






***

Women In Binders Say No

Mitt: still just a couple of letters short of

the full glove.

***

Jungle Dummy

Posh Boys don't know the price of milk.

Mad Nad doesn't know the price of fame.

***

Baby Let Me Light Your Fire

You know I couldn't get much higher

                                     Jim Morrison

***

link:  Armstrong's Last Goodnight.

Prison Friendly 2: Shafter Shafted?

From ker-ching to ker-clink.

***

see also: Prison Friendly  Something Of The Night About Them.

Toffs Put In Their Place

The Noes to the left 294.

The Plebs to the Right 307.

The Plebs have it. The Plebs have it.

***

A Franchise To Infinity... And Beyond

When I find that blinking

Darth Vader

I'll wring his little neck

for him.

***

Democracy At Work

Liberté ~ Egalité ~ Frankenstorm

***

Auntie's Charley

I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

I'll never know what the fuck is going on.

That, as I understand it, is the role of the

Director General of the BBC.

***

link: Lost Postman

Behind Auntie's Skirts

R.I.P.

(Rest in Paedophilia)

***

On Yer Bike

I now accept that it was entirely wrong of me 

NOT

to call the Police "Plebs"

in true

Tory Toff fashion.

***

Big Beasts, Little Beasts

And Comprehensive School also taught me to do this.

See?

Dinosaurs.

***

Only A Porn In The Game

I can confirm that I am fronting

the Radio 5 programme

Porn Again and Richard is my researcher.

***

link: porn in the game

Weknowwhodunnit - Let's Cash In



A National Theatre spokesman has denied

that the "big song " in its new musical about

the Ipswich murders will be the

Roberta Flack standard

"Killing Me Softly"

***

link: killing me softly and cascade

Sky's Not The Limit

I must stress that News Corporation

is an Equal Opportunities Employer:

all employees have equal opportunies for

tapping, hacking, back-tracking and sacking.

***

No Offence, Love

GRAYOSAURUS: Nice tits.

KEYSOSAURUS: Bet she doesn't know the offside rule.

GRAYOSAURUS: Yeah. But nice tits.

***

Indiscreet Free Kick

Andy Gray and Richard Keys

try out Sky Sport's new

Gender Blindness glasses.

***

Two Ed's Are Better Than One

RED ED: You're the one that I want.

BALLS ED: You're the job that I want.

***

Dog Days At No 10

Basically, you have to keep the tabloids sweet

and ensure I'm in touch with the

ordinary voter.

Plus we'll call you Andy. OK?

***

What A Difference A Year Makes

Before Regrets

After Regrets

BLAIR: We added the grey to enhance my Gravitas Index.

***

Clone Of Brown

BROWN: One day, Ed, all this will be yours.

Then four months later it will all be mine again.

By proxy.

***

see also: Red In Tooth And Claws

Self-Delivery

BALLS: Your redundancy cheque's in the post, mate.

***

Wrong Kind Of Splash?

Red Ed soon came to realise that

Hot Air alone was not enough

to keep the balloon airborne.

***

Something Of The Night About Them

OK, I've checked the small-print. If you nod off

in the House it can be counted as your second home

for expenses puposes.

***

Lost In Translation

Paul Gascoigne's mobile was hacked

which led to the infamous NOTW headline:

Whoar Mutha Mon Ye Knaa Leik Wh'ees i' Tha Netty?

***

Asterisk The Dwarf

No, you're f***ing a slightly deranged

Labour activist who refers to herself

as a "writer" and "journalist".

Royalty she ain't.

***

link:  Order F***ing Order

Help! I Need Somebody

Lib Dems - as one tragic mistake to another -

come and join me.

***

Do The Math

Erm... Labour 14,718 votes.

LibDems 11,160 votes.

Tories 4,481 votes.

Er... add up... carry... equals...

Yep, Ed. I can definitely confirm

we got more votes than the Coalition.

***

Putting The Old Back Into Labour

RED ED: I strongly deny that our candidate

is Phil Woolas in drag.

***

Send For Monica

BILL: Hilary, I said you needed more

practice going down.

***

link: Hilary's latest trip

My Old & Sad Brother

RED ED: I had a rosette - it was this big -

but my brother pinched it for a trip to

Sunderland. Bastard.

***

Return Of New Labour Space Cadets?

It wasn't long before

Peter Mandelson

was able to re-invent himself.

***

link: hubble bubble

Return Of The Native

Though dressed as a cooling tower,

PC Kennedy blew his cover by not smoking.

***

link:  Return of the Native

Nadine - Honey, Is That You?

The actress who plays Nadine Dorries

in the popular soap Westminster Village

has threatened to quit in protest

at the contoversial "alcoholism" storyline

that the writers have come up with.

***

Prison Friendly

Go figure.

***

Protected Species

The Coalition was surprised to find how dificult

it was to successfully hunt down

and illiminate the illusive Quango.

***

It's A Mythtery

It's not a lisp.

I was talkimg about the Government's "myth".

Not "myth".

***

Chateauneuf du VAT?

JOHNSON: I'll pay, Chris, but can you

add up the bill for me?

***

link: chateauneuf du VAT

Bercows Party Like It Was 1999

It's our fun new party game, dahling.

People frisk me to see where I've hidden John.

***

The VAT's Out Of The Bag

Did you realise that a 2.5 % rise in VAT

means that a blank page goes up by this many policies?

***

He Won't Be Back

Hello, again, films:

goodbye Show Business.

***

link:  The Governor Terminates

*

Sleeping Giant

Coalition strategists assess how long it

will be before the

Union Colossus breaks free.

***

2010: Picture Of The Year

Bigotted Old Woman

explains politics to Gillian Duffy.

***

Oh Yes He Is!

BRYANT: Calling me a "Pantomime Dame" shows that

George Osborne is trying to make me

look rediculous.

***

link:  Oh Yes He Is!

*