Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Google No Evil

Our mantra is

Do No Evil.

Just facilitate evil for others.

***

What Me, Guv?

I was only trying to protect the interests of the

Green Lobby.

What do you mean "Tim Yeo is the Green Lobby"?

***

Publish And Be... Rich

We take our responsibilities as a publisher seriously:

Through Google you can find some

serious child pornography.

***

Ed's Big Week

Some people say I only listen to Ed Balls.

Others say I only listen to the Unions.

Others again say I only listen to my Dad from up above

[God rest his soul].

The truth is I am my own man.

I only listen to Willy Wonka.

***

The Bilderberg Effect

For the avoidance of doubt we are NOT

appearing at

The Grove, Watford

this week.

***

Magic

It will be a flexible cap and I will

raise it and lower it just like this.

***

Speaking Human

I'm as camp as a Great Big Tent.

***

Editors' Notes

Dear Cools,

How I miss those country suppers.

Dear Reds,

How I miss the horse.

Dear Both,

Just fuck the fuck off, will you?

***

Headline Grabbers

Back in the day at The News Of The World

we were Old School.

If it shagged we nailed it.

***

Lobby Fodder

Nothing doth it profit a man to sell his soul

for the whole world.

But for Fiji...?!

***

Positive Role Model

Ashley's promised not to swear at, spew over,

shoot or shag anyone for a day

so I've made him captain.

***

Postcard

I've come to Europe to get away from it all.

***

The Pop-Eyed Eurocrats

The ban on Olive Oil Jugs is reversed but

keeping spinach under your shirt definitely

contravenes EU Regulations.

***

Another Door Closes

Whisky A-Gone-Gone.

***

Trend It Like Beckham

My legacy is pants.

***

Groucho Speaks

I could never support a Private Members Bill

that would allow me to be a member of it.

***

Where's He Put His Didgeridoo?

I'm not fussy - tie me kangaroo down, sport.

***

Legacy

The Munchkins at no. 2 is a satire on ME...?

You turn in your grave if you want to...

***

'Bye 'Bye Banana Man

This is a banana.

My brother is a banana skin waiting to happen.

So - I'm out.

***

Press Deregulation

The Standard apologises unreservedly for

leaking its budget proposals

to the Chancellor

in time for him to include them in his speech.

***

Fudge Actually

FREE!

With your favourite Tabloid!

***

North East West Sellout?

Hacked Off Pissed Off

'cos Cameron

Fucked Off.

***

Papacying Over The Cracks

Don't worry, luv. I'll be welcoming the whole world

into my flock - except

those black sheep in the Malvinas.

***

She's No Evita

Don't cry for us dear Christina

The truth is we never liked you

All through those war days

Our mad existence

We kept our promise: 

Just keep your distance.

***

Adapted from Don't Cry For Me Argentina, lyrics Tim Rice, music Andrew Lloyd Webber [from the musical Evita].

No Argie-Bargie

When I find out who the THREE were

I'll have their friggin' heads.

***

Back Together, Kind Of

What therefore God hath joined together, let not
your Man

put asunder.

Mark 10.9.                                    .

***

Punishment Fitting The Crime

And the most suitable punishment that this court

can impose is that you should

share a cell together for six months.

***

From Gerrards Cross to Malmö

Total Eclipse of the Art.

***

Passing resemblance between Believe in Me and Cher's Believe ?

Go Compare:

What's In A Name?

Labour:  Bedroom Tax

Conservative:  Spare Room Subsidy

UKIP:  Immigrant Benefit Freebie

***

Better Never Than Late

"Justin Bieber has entered the building".

***

Been There, Done That...

Keep Calm 

and

Boycott Amazon

***

link: ...Got The T Shirt

No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

I told you it would work, Mike.

Now all we have to do is leak and invent as much

Lib-Dem scandal as possible just before the next election.

***

One Man Went To Moan

It was a massive mistake to call me interim manager.

They should have called me interim scapegoat.

***

See also:  Managers R Us.

Scraping The Barrel

Damn. I thought the New Statesman was Tory.

***

A Touching Apology

I'm sorry

He's dodgy

I'm sorry

He's horny

I'm sorry

He's beastly

I'm sorry

'Bout Eastleigh

***

There's The Rub

We're Liberal-Democrats.

We flirt with voters, we flirt with Labour, we flirt with power.

Frottage is in our DNA.

***

What Kate Did

And did I mention she's a coke-head, a racist

and shoots cats and dogs with a crossbow?

***

Up All Night

One Direction: out of Europe.

***

See also: Haribo Man Does It Again.

Icarus

Is it a bird?

Is it a 'plane?

No, it's Chris Huhne speeding into oblivion.

***

A Word From Our Sponsor

Actually... don't Just Do It at all.

***

via:  ‏@elliot_fernley

Learning The Lessons Of The Past

We will introduce a 10p tax band and we will

reverse it before we introduce it!

***

Not Seeing It Out

I thought it wouldn't count if I said it in Latin.

***

Meat

...And then we discovered it had traces of human in it.

***

Haribo Man Does It Again

For Britain this represents a triple lock:

A reduction in the budget

A reduction in the wage bill

And a reduction in lasagne.

***

Closer Examination

I am re-writing history before it is made.

***

'Till Death Do Us Part

The marriage, gay or otherwise, between

my party and myself as leader

can never be annulled as it is fully consummated.

I've fucked them and they have well and truly fucked me.

***

Alien Abduction...?

They say you're dead, Reg...

But I wanna know for sure.

***

link:  Crop Circles & UFO's.

Pryceless

Guilty, M'Lud.

But I'm asking my former wife to serve my sentence for me.

***