borderline fools

Only A Porn In The Game

2011-01-29T13:07:00.000Z

I can confirm that I am fronting

the Radio 5 programme

Porn Again and Richard is my researcher.

***

link: porn in the game

Weknowwhodunnit - Let's Cash In

2011-01-28T15:46:00.000Z

A National Theatre spokesman has denied

that the "big song " in its new musical about

the Ipswich murders will be the

Roberta Flack standard

"Killing Me Softly"

***

link: killing me softly and cascade

Sky's Not The Limit

2011-01-27T14:14:00.000Z

I must stress that News Corporation

is an Equal Opportunities Employer:

all employees have equal opportunies for

tapping, hacking, back-tracking and sacking.

***

No Offence, Love

2011-01-26T14:37:00.000Z

GRAYOSAURUS: Nice tits.

KEYSOSAURUS: Bet she doesn't know the offside rule.

GRAYOSAURUS: Yeah. But nice tits.

***

Indiscreet Free Kick

2011-01-25T09:08:00.000Z

Andy Gray and Richard Keys

try out Sky Sport's new

Gender Blindness glasses.

***

Two Ed's Are Better Than One

2011-01-24T10:19:00.000Z

RED ED: You're the one that I want.

BALLS ED: You're the job that I want.

***

Dog Days At No 10

2011-01-23T13:11:00.001Z

Basically, you have to keep the tabloids sweet

and ensure I'm in touch with the

ordinary voter.

Plus we'll call you Andy. OK?

***

What A Difference A Year Makes

2011-01-22T11:58:00.000Z

Before Regrets

After Regrets

BLAIR: We added the grey to enhance my Gravitas Index.

***

Clone Of Brown

2011-01-21T10:47:00.001Z

BROWN: One day, Ed, all this will be yours.

Then four months later it will all be mine again.

By proxy.

***

see also: Red In Tooth And Claws

Self-Delivery

2011-01-21T09:00:00.000Z

BALLS: Your redundancy cheque's in the post, mate.

***

Wrong Kind Of Splash?

2011-01-20T14:25:00.001Z

Red Ed soon came to realise that

Hot Air alone was not enough

to keep the balloon airborne.

***

Something Of The Night About Them

2011-01-19T12:54:00.000Z

OK, I've checked the small-print. If you nod off

in the House it can be counted as your second home

for expenses puposes.

***

Lost In Translation

2011-01-18T11:18:00.001Z

Paul Gascoigne's mobile was hacked

which led to the infamous NOTW headline:

Whoar Mutha Mon Ye Knaa Leik Wh'ees i' Tha Netty?

***

Asterisk The Dwarf

2011-01-17T19:53:00.000Z

No, you're f***ing a slightly deranged

Labour activist who refers to herself

as a "writer" and "journalist".

Royalty she ain't.

***

link: Order F***ing Order

Help! I Need Somebody

2011-01-16T09:25:00.000Z

Lib Dems - as one tragic mistake to another -

come and join me.

***

Do The Math

2011-01-15T09:33:00.000Z

Erm... Labour 14,718 votes.

LibDems 11,160 votes.

Tories 4,481 votes.

Er... add up... carry... equals...

Yep, Ed. I can definitely confirm

we got more votes than the Coalition.

***

Putting The Old Back Into Labour

2011-01-14T12:33:00.000Z

RED ED: I strongly deny that our candidate

is Phil Woolas in drag.

***

Send For Monica

2011-01-13T11:11:00.000Z

BILL: Hilary, I said you needed more

practice going down.

***

link: Hilary's latest trip

My Old & Sad Brother

2011-01-12T19:41:00.000Z

RED ED: I had a rosette - it was this big -

but my brother pinched it for a trip to

Sunderland. Bastard.

***

Return Of New Labour Space Cadets?

2011-01-11T19:49:00.000Z

It wasn't long before

Peter Mandelson

was able to re-invent himself.

***

link: hubble bubble

Return Of The Native

2011-01-10T17:52:00.003Z

Though dressed as a cooling tower,

PC Kennedy blew his cover by not smoking.

***

link: Return of the Native

Nadine - Honey, Is That You?

2011-01-09T19:16:00.000Z

The actress who plays Nadine Dorries

in the popular soap Westminster Village

has threatened to quit in protest

at the contoversial "alcoholism" storyline

that the writers have come up with.

***

Prison Friendly

2011-01-08T11:26:00.000Z

Go figure.

***

Protected Species

2011-01-07T13:00:00.000Z

The Coalition was surprised to find how dificult

it was to successfully hunt down

and illiminate the illusive Quango.

***

It's A Mythtery

2011-01-06T15:57:00.001Z

It's not a lisp.

I was talkimg about the Government's "myth".

Not "myth".

***

Chateauneuf du VAT?

2011-01-05T11:58:00.001Z

JOHNSON: I'll pay, Chris, but can you

add up the bill for me?

***

link: chateauneuf du VAT

Bercows Party Like It Was 1999

2011-01-04T19:42:00.000Z

It's our fun new party game, dahling.

People frisk me to see where I've hidden John.

***

The VAT's Out Of The Bag

2011-01-03T20:25:00.000Z

Did you realise that a 2.5 % rise in VAT

means that a blank page goes up by this many policies?

***

He Won't Be Back

2011-01-02T16:40:00.000Z

Hello, again, films:

goodbye Show Business.

***

link: The Governor Terminates

Sleeping Giant

2011-01-01T14:32:00.000Z

Coalition strategists assess how long it

will be before the

Union Colossus breaks free.

***

2010: Picture Of The Year

2010-12-31T11:10:00.001Z

Bigotted Old Woman

explains politics to Gillian Duffy.

***

Oh Yes He Is!

2010-12-30T11:56:00.001Z

BRYANT: Calling me a "Pantomime Dame" shows that

George Osborne is trying to make me

look rediculous.

***

link: Oh Yes He Is!

Red Ed's Herod Strategy

2010-12-29T10:45:00.000Z

HEALEY: We now discover that not only

has the Coalition cut 'flu' jabs

for the under fives

but they also are going to kill

the first born of every family in the country.

***

He Was Born A Pauper To A Pawn On Christmas Day

2010-12-28T17:57:00.000Z

It's a little bit funny.

***

Technology Wizard Of Oz

2010-12-27T15:34:00.001Z

PONTING: Are you blind, Ump?

Can't you see the Ashes slipping through my fingers?

***

No Mention Of The "A" Word, Then

2010-12-26T16:00:00.000Z

Sport is extremely important to all

our young people.

I cannot, for the life of me, understand

why every school doesn't have

its own Polo team.

***

Who Put The Coal In Coalition?

2010-12-25T15:23:00.000Z

Nasal spray for Ed;

Ciggies for Nick;

and cable-ties for Dave.

***

Absence Of Snow

2010-12-24T11:51:00.000Z

I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

All, that is, except:

David Miliband who is no longer on my Christmas Card List.
New Labour - especially Mandelson - Dead Parrot or what? [the old jokes are the best].
The Unions: I'm my own man so stop already with your talk of strikes and comrades.
And, above all, Tony Blair and Gordan Brown: you're yesterday's men so go off and retire completely and shut the fuck up - no more books - and leave me in peace to screw up on my own.

[You may have noticed the disappearance of the White Patch: I got fed up with Tom Baldwin bending over me and sniffing it all the time. And, no: there is no significance in the absence of snow on my Christmas Card].

***

Take Your [Senior] Partners, Vince

2010-12-23T22:11:00.000Z

Shocking new revelations from secret recordings

have revealed that Conservative Ministers

"quite like" Liberal Democrats;

that they think that Nick Clegg is

"cute" and "harmless";

and that Vince Cable is a

"good egg"

who would have been welcomed

into the Bullingdon Club.

***

Foot In Mouth Disease

2010-12-22T16:13:00.000Z

Of course I knew they were reporters.

I was just setting my own agenda, as usual.

***

Cable and Screw Loose?

2010-12-21T18:24:00.000Z

The main problem is that the

wound in my foot

will restrict my dancing

on Strictly.

***

Red Ed's Cold Front

2010-12-20T21:26:00.000Z

Len McCluskey, new boss of UNITE,

claimed today that the bad weather

that has closed Heathrow

was part of the Coalition's

"explicitly ideological programme"

to prevent the union going on strike against

British Airways.

***

Christmas Cards, Christmas Songs

2010-12-19T13:11:00.001Z

CAMERON & CLEGG: [duet] I Got You, Babe.

MILI-MINOR: Oh No, Not My Baby.

***

Speaking In Blank Verse

2010-12-15T20:20:00.001Z

Special 2 for 1 deal!

Policies WITH Jokes!

[or is it Joker without Policies?]

***

link: buy here

Come Now, Julian

2010-12-15T16:19:00.000Z

A new perspective on

Wikileaks

has emerged with

Julian Assange

being accused of using a

broken condom.

***

Blogging a Dead Horse?

2010-12-14T15:06:00.001Z

DALE: No more bloggin' but I will be

forever blowin' bubbles

[as Michael Jackson once said].

***

Thanks, Iain, and Good Luck!

Red Eddy, Yellow Eddy

2010-12-13T19:13:00.000Z

I want to call on disillusioned

Liberal Democrats

to join with the Labour Party

which knows all about disillusionment

seeing as it's disillusioned with me.

***

And By The Way - Which One's Pink...?

2010-12-10T15:07:00.001Z

He don't need no educay-shon...

***

Close, But No Cigar

2010-12-10T12:06:00.000Z

Never have so few owed so much for

so many years.

***

Variety Of Life

2010-12-10T11:55:00.000Z

CAMILLA: These are your subjects, Charles!

CHARLES: In that case I think I'll plump

for the pre-abdication option.

***

Now Is The Season...

2010-12-09T20:12:00.000Z

I'm a Liberal.

I'm a Democrat.

Put them together and that makes me -

a complete Tosser.

***

see also: Promises Promises [below].

Promises Promises

2010-12-09T12:37:00.000Z

"Aye" Lobby?

"No" Lobby?

"WTF" Lobby?

***

Order, Order, Grumpy

2010-12-08T10:47:00.000Z

McLOUGHLIN: The Speaker has no right to

addess me from a sedentary position.

Ooops, sorry, Mr. Speaker. I thought

you were sitting down.

***

Big - But Not Clever

2010-12-07T18:36:00.000Z

CLEGG: I shall vote with my conscience.

Dave, which way is that?

***

Scarlet Billows

2010-12-06T20:35:00.000Z

The Foreign Office has warned

people about diving into

Liberal Democrat politics -

as sharks are circling.

***

No Racism At Russian World Cup

2010-12-05T21:06:00.000Z

KATIA: I spy, with my little eye, something

beginning with N...

***

Sun May Go Down Later

2010-12-03T15:34:00.002Z

From The Sun:

An artist's impression of what

night may be like if the

daylight-saving plan is introduced.

***

link: daylight-saving

Putin's Greatest Hits

2010-12-02T17:00:00.000Z

No-one schmoozes like the Russian Mafia.

***

Bend It Like Cameron

2010-12-01T14:30:00.001Z

CAMERON: So, Wills, you invite the delegates to

the wedding; David you offer them a

night with Posh; and I'll give

them a Knighthood, a personal photographer

and a free holiday in Thailand.

***

I'm Cable And Shameless

2010-11-30T19:31:00.001Z

Strictly Come Abstaining.

***

Leaking The Bleedin' Obvious

2010-11-29T21:13:00.000Z

Shock News: The United States

slags off other countries without telling them!

***

A Socialist Expounds

2010-11-26T19:11:00.001Z

RED ED: We have to go on a journey... so

jump aboard my moped everyone.

***

Very Cold Turkey

2010-11-26T11:15:00.001Z

It's gonna be a

bootiful fooneral.

***

In-Flight Entertainment

2010-11-25T19:52:00.000Z

Damned Commoners and their

breeding habits.

This country will rue the day after

April 29th, you mark my words.

***

Ed's Migrating Brain

2010-11-24T09:42:00.000Z

The problem is 80% of my

information comes from

Gordon Brown.

***

Top Of The Mourning...

2010-11-22T17:34:00.002Z

At least they've still got

one liquid asset.

***

Red Ed Comes Of Age

2010-11-20T10:42:00.000Z

I am now a fully fledged

Opposition Leader

because I used the word

"Disgraceful"

whilst not wearing a tie.

***

No More Sitting For Stand-Up

2010-11-19T20:07:00.000Z

ALEX: Tch, tch, Jason: knocked out of One for

knocking one out?

***

Berlusconi Loves A Mars

2010-11-18T16:47:00.000Z

VENUS: Two little pricks in the office are

better than one, I suppose.

***

link: Berlusconi Loves A Mars

Plighting The Troth

2010-11-17T14:57:00.000Z

WILLIAM: Well I thought I'd make use of

my Mum's ring and my Dad's fidelity.

***

Royal Wedding Special

2010-11-16T12:03:00.000Z

Austerity measures blah!

The Nation can afford it!

***

Your Starter For Five To Ten

2010-11-15T19:51:00.000Z

Oh My God - someone's started a

fire down there!

I'd better chuck down this

extinguisher!

***

We Pledge To Break Our Promise

2010-11-13T18:23:00.001Z

Drowning in clear yellow water.

***

140 Characters

2010-11-12T09:51:00.002Z

Censored redacted expunged bowdlerized

erased stifled suppressed expurgated

screened edited revised squashed

repressed smothered.

Twittered.

***

I Could've Predicted A Riot

2010-11-11T16:24:00.001Z

Look everyone!

This hammer miraculously appeared

in my hand!

***

Can't Pay, Won't Pay

2010-11-10T15:42:00.000Z

...And we demand to be treated like adults:

we want an end to cheap booze in Union bars,

no more subsidized travel and

rent that properly reflects full commercial rates.

***

China 9, Liberty 37

2010-11-09T20:00:00.003Z

GOVE: Dave, do you think now would be

a good time to mention the

Nobel Prizewinning Dissident...

OTHERS: Shuddup and keep drinking.

***

The Buck Stops... Er... Over There Somewhere

2010-11-09T12:06:00.000Z

Water boarding...?

I'm told it's just like surf boarding but you

don't get the tan.

***

Who's Yer Uncle?

2010-11-08T18:40:00.000Z

We haven't decided on a name yet - but it's not

going to be David.

***

One's Social Network

2010-11-07T13:16:00.000Z

So... who's going to be first to

Poke the Queen?

***

Where There's Smoke

2010-11-05T19:14:00.003Z

Penny for the fall-guy.

***

Smile!

2010-11-04T15:50:00.000Z

CAMERON: And these are my own

personal paparazzi.

***

Backbench Rebellion

2010-11-03T13:54:00.000Z

And I would say this to the House:

bollocks to you all.

***

Entente Hyper-Cordiale

2010-11-02T19:26:00.000Z

CAMERON: And we'll call it the

Royal Air Frogs.

***

Ravin' Nutts

2010-11-01T15:56:00.002Z

COP THROUGH MEGAPHONE:

All those taking substances like

Crack, LSD, Heroin and Crystal Meth

can stay and continue to party.

All those drinking alcohol will be arrested.

***

Goal Line Twatology

2010-11-01T15:03:00.001Z

BECK: Nani definitely handled.

CLATTENBURG: Yeah. But I've got a bet on for 2 - 0.

***

Harman's Ginger Nuts

2010-10-31T10:14:00.003Z

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

These LibDems are so hyper-sensitive.

Robin Cook never flinched

when I used to call him

"You Ginger Scotch Conshi Git."

Neil Kinnock always laughs when I yell

down the corridor "There goes the

Ginger Welsh Windbag".

And Hazel Blears loves it when I say

"Morning to the

Ginger Dwarf-Bitch from Salford."

***

see also: Exit Stage Right & All Women Short Cuts & More Equal & Wicked & Malicious

Something In The Air Freight

2010-10-31T08:34:00.000Z

Let down by old toner cartridges?

Switch to Kodak - so cheap you'll

make a killing.

***

Vive La Real Difference

2010-10-30T09:20:00.000+01:00

Europe is like putty in my hands!

(Trouble is with putty, Dave, it dries, it sticks,

it soilidifies and is very difficult

to get rid of.)

***

Red Ed For Red Planet?

2010-10-28T18:18:00.000+01:00

One way ticket to Mars

for humans or just

those who "talk human"?

***

link: Life On Mars?

The Leaker Leaked

2010-10-28T09:37:00.001+01:00

Next week WikiLeaks will release

documents about XXXXX and XXXXX .

UPDATE:

An injunction has been taken out

against

borderline fools

by WikiLeaks

to prevent it from leaking

what WikiLeaks is about to leak.

***

Dear Reader

2010-10-27T21:12:00.001+01:00

Spectacular species previously unknown to the outside world are being discovered in the Amazon rainforest at a rate of one every three days, environment group WWF said in a report published Tuesday. An anaconda as long as a limousine, a giant catfish that eats monkeys, a blue fanged spider and poisoned dart frogs are among the 1,220 animals and plants to have been found from 1999 to 2009, according to the study.

And most amazing of all was the previously completely unknown
Amazon Kindle.

***

The Postman Delivers

2010-10-26T18:50:00.000+01:00

Growth of 0.8%...?

What's that in old money?

***

Congratulations...

2010-10-26T08:46:00.000+01:00

Sony has announced the retirement of

The Walkman

after 30 years.

So come on Cliff, mate:

take the bloody hint.

***

link: wired for retirement

Desert Island Cigs

2010-10-25T15:37:00.000+01:00

I'm smoking the Liberal Democrat cigarette:

invisible, intangible, illogical

and quite hard to swallow.

***

Trump Trumped

2010-10-23T15:53:00.001+01:00

I have instructed my lawyers to instigate

proceedings against the Disney Corporation for
its repeaeted use of my copyrighted

name "Donald" as in Donald Duck.

***

link: Trump Trumped

Navy Lark

2010-10-22T15:14:00.000+01:00

FOX: I appreciate the alacrity with which you

try to carry out orders, Captain, but does

this really look like

an Aircraft Carrier to you?

***

Godfather Makes Offer Roo Can't Refuse

2010-10-22T14:33:00.005+01:00

FERGIE: So, son, final offer: ~~£165K~~ £200K and

two hookers per week.

WAYNE: Really? Oh, go on then.

***

[figures updated]

Hush Puppy Politics

2010-10-21T17:24:00.003+01:00

Let the Home Secretary be on notice:

it will be her footwear that becomes the focus

of Red Ed's stilletto-like debating skills

at next PMQ's.

***

Reflected Glory

2010-10-20T16:24:00.000+01:00

RED ED: Now you know why I chose Alan

Johnson as my Shadow Chancellor:

he makes even me look a bit good.

***